I've been listening to Pantera all night, I found out it's been 5 years since Dimebag was killed on stage. I love the guy and I hope he's having fun exploring the universe.
I've had a really good day, so much that I'm wondering why I'm staying up late. I can't seem to wind down correctly and its just annoying. I was hoping I could just do the usual and then head to bed. The heat in my studio has been helping me get sleepy but for some reason it just isnt enough. I don't want to sleep in till 12 or 1pm anymore.
I woke up today answering a phone call from my pops all groggy and it was already like 11:30. Or was that the day before.
If I have an important phone call in the morning its not gonna be good if I answer the phone all out of energy.
I've been getting some job interview related phone calls. There are a few opportunities out there, I'm hoping something moves quickly since its been sort of slow. I'd really like to start working soon, hopefully that will happen shortly.
I need to be more kind of myself. I was at meditation group today and I skipped out early. I meant to talk to this one girl I've had my eye on but I couldn't get myself to do it. I blamed it on an upset stomach. The sitting season was great, but my stomach kept bothering me. I shouldn't have had dinner that late.
I love getting out of my apartment, but it gets sad when I come home and no one is around to hangout with. I'd like to have a movie to watch or at least have a job or new instrument so I can be motivated to be above and beyond my usual.
I fear of being alone. I've worked really hard to get to where I am today and it's really not doing anything for me to just sit around and not enrich someone elses life with greatness. I know I've got it, I would just like to share it without going crazy from the bullshit emotional status - or whatever.
This girl I know is visiting LA right now, for a day - visiting her guy friend - whoever that is. She didn't even mention she was going to be here. Apparently coming to LA from chicago for one whole day is really worth the trip. What a sap. He's got his work cut out for him. Out of all the women there are in LA - he flys his into town for one night. Thats one classy lady.
This is all sort of irrelevant stuff because my life is moving forward here in LA, and I've found a nice place to be. I have great moments where I feel at home, I feel glad I can come to my apartment and feel warm and welcome - even if I'm just on my own. It's different but it's getting warmer.
I have a shopping list of stuff I need to buy for my place once I get A job. I'm trying not to attach myself to materialism but this is just me trying not to forget what it is I need to buy.
I've been feeling alot healthier recently - my whole diet is whole food now. I can't even stand buy groceries from the local Ralphs. I'll just get paper towels there or something.
This holiday season will be rough on me. I don't think I've ever spent Christmas alone in a long time. I'd always come home and it'd always be fairly festive. I know for a fact that everyone is going home for the holidays but I choose not to come home. Too much bullshit and I'd rather just tough it out on my own. After all I haven't even gotten a job yet, what am I gonna say. I've been to LA, accomplished nothing and I've seen nothing special. Yup.
I'm proud of the fact I'm here, I could careless that nothing has happend yet, besides my need for monetary success. I really just want to be living my own life out here, and I've never felt better about it. I want a women who loves and respects me, and I want a career that I know will not get dull and will always been challenging me as a human being. I want to make things better for the people of earth, somehow - so we can survive and thrive on other planets and in space travel.
This has been too long winded already. I feel better after writing this, starting to get sleepy....
Take care of yourself, whoever reads this ramble.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Los Angeles
So once again I find myself back to where I go to vent and post about nothing at all.
I'm in LA now, after several classes, days, months, seasons, problems, solutions have passed. I feel good here, for the most part. I've only been here for about a month and I've had high expectations of myself which has driven me up a wall. Things that help me stay happy are:
Working out, health awareness, new meditation group, my apartment, anything involving getting organized.
I've had my good times and my bad times here already, but I just know that I belong here. I KNOW I can't really be anywhere else unless I'm really needed there or I'm on a work assignment or something. Job hunting has been going slow, but I'm getting a better understanding of what I should be doing every week. This week has been a drag but I was finally able to pick up the guitar after doing some minor repair work on it. I'm trying to play more and take advantage of the time that I don't have work. Next month will be crunch time because I'm going to need a job, and all the bills that will be popping up.
I miss my friends from back in Illinois. You dont understand the relationships that hold you together until you go away and you're on your own and all you have is books and motivational speeches to keep you from crying yourself to sleep at night. Moms phone calls don't help much, but it's something. Glad to be away from the parts of Chicago that I don't miss though.
Los Angeles is a great place to be, especially since I'm so ready to get my career going, but I just can't understand what it takes right now. I dont know what I really want, and it seems like I'm going to have to do things I don't enjoy that much for a while and smile, and be somewhat happy.
My priorities have become more pronounced over the last year or so, and it's been a great experience. I wish I could tell everyone about it, but I think I might just save that for a book or something when I turn 35. Maybe, who knows.
Anyways. I don't know what to expect. I find myself being tired and depressed late at night like this - I crawl into bed and the next morning I'm back in action feeling better and planning what I'm suppose to be doing.
Late nights get the best of me, I feel like an old man who needs to be in bed by 10pm. At least my dreams are always with me.
"Won't you join me on the perennial quest?
Reaching into the dark, retrieving light
Search for answers on the perennial quest
Where dreams are followed, and time is a test"
I'm in LA now, after several classes, days, months, seasons, problems, solutions have passed. I feel good here, for the most part. I've only been here for about a month and I've had high expectations of myself which has driven me up a wall. Things that help me stay happy are:
Working out, health awareness, new meditation group, my apartment, anything involving getting organized.
I've had my good times and my bad times here already, but I just know that I belong here. I KNOW I can't really be anywhere else unless I'm really needed there or I'm on a work assignment or something. Job hunting has been going slow, but I'm getting a better understanding of what I should be doing every week. This week has been a drag but I was finally able to pick up the guitar after doing some minor repair work on it. I'm trying to play more and take advantage of the time that I don't have work. Next month will be crunch time because I'm going to need a job, and all the bills that will be popping up.
I miss my friends from back in Illinois. You dont understand the relationships that hold you together until you go away and you're on your own and all you have is books and motivational speeches to keep you from crying yourself to sleep at night. Moms phone calls don't help much, but it's something. Glad to be away from the parts of Chicago that I don't miss though.
Los Angeles is a great place to be, especially since I'm so ready to get my career going, but I just can't understand what it takes right now. I dont know what I really want, and it seems like I'm going to have to do things I don't enjoy that much for a while and smile, and be somewhat happy.
My priorities have become more pronounced over the last year or so, and it's been a great experience. I wish I could tell everyone about it, but I think I might just save that for a book or something when I turn 35. Maybe, who knows.
Anyways. I don't know what to expect. I find myself being tired and depressed late at night like this - I crawl into bed and the next morning I'm back in action feeling better and planning what I'm suppose to be doing.
Late nights get the best of me, I feel like an old man who needs to be in bed by 10pm. At least my dreams are always with me.
"Won't you join me on the perennial quest?
Reaching into the dark, retrieving light
Search for answers on the perennial quest
Where dreams are followed, and time is a test"
Monday, June 23, 2008
Life at its finest...
I havent posted in a while. I thought I would take the time to put down some of my feelings maybe help me get my juices flowing. Sitting here with a cup of coffee thinking things over.
Yesterday I heard that one of my many hero's George Carlin died of heart failure. So today is truely a sad day. George will be missed. Its amazing how someone you've never met in person can have such an effect on you, same thing happened to me with Dimebag Darrel was killed. I consider my hero's to be fatherly figures, similarly I consider my friends to be like my family. I think it'll always be this why, and its a beautiful thing.
George was on of the great ones though, I spent the last month watching his last DVD over and over, and showing it off to people. He was truly a great man.
I heard the news and was rather sad right away. I sat down to meditate and instantly one of his jokes popped into my head, I started to laugh during my meditation session and I shed some tears. It was a healthy emotional experience. I almost instantly felt better and I had the ability to get to sleep.
RIP George we'll all miss you dearly. You've been an inspiration to wonderful minds alike.
On to my positive story.
I met this great girl two fridays ago. It was a nice experence but I didnt think it would go anywhere beyond that party, so being me, I got fed up and I left early before even saying goodbye.
Afterward I got curious so I did the whole myspace stalker thing and it turns out she thought I was really sweet.
So after about a week of talking to her online, we clicked and I ended up hanging out with her in the city Friday night. Definitely a highlight of my summer, and I guess this is what I had set out to do. It was on the list of my goals this summer, but somehow I dont think of it that way. This isnt just someone I can have fun with, but someone I can potentially learn alot from, which I think is a great additive to any relationship. I officially have a reason why I dont want to go back to Boston, but I can't stay here. Just like I consider my friends to be family and I've gotten away from them in order to pursue my dreams I have to do the same in this situation.
Any relationship in your life has the ability to bring you great things but most people dont understand that. At least I dont think they do.
This has been a great experience though, I'm just hoping I'm a little more open the next time I hangout. I havent been meditating as much recently so I'm more uptight than usual, but this is just another lesson in practice.
I'm done with my coffee and I'm ready to start this week. Wish me luck in being productive.
Yesterday I heard that one of my many hero's George Carlin died of heart failure. So today is truely a sad day. George will be missed. Its amazing how someone you've never met in person can have such an effect on you, same thing happened to me with Dimebag Darrel was killed. I consider my hero's to be fatherly figures, similarly I consider my friends to be like my family. I think it'll always be this why, and its a beautiful thing.
George was on of the great ones though, I spent the last month watching his last DVD over and over, and showing it off to people. He was truly a great man.
I heard the news and was rather sad right away. I sat down to meditate and instantly one of his jokes popped into my head, I started to laugh during my meditation session and I shed some tears. It was a healthy emotional experience. I almost instantly felt better and I had the ability to get to sleep.
RIP George we'll all miss you dearly. You've been an inspiration to wonderful minds alike.
On to my positive story.
I met this great girl two fridays ago. It was a nice experence but I didnt think it would go anywhere beyond that party, so being me, I got fed up and I left early before even saying goodbye.
Afterward I got curious so I did the whole myspace stalker thing and it turns out she thought I was really sweet.
So after about a week of talking to her online, we clicked and I ended up hanging out with her in the city Friday night. Definitely a highlight of my summer, and I guess this is what I had set out to do. It was on the list of my goals this summer, but somehow I dont think of it that way. This isnt just someone I can have fun with, but someone I can potentially learn alot from, which I think is a great additive to any relationship. I officially have a reason why I dont want to go back to Boston, but I can't stay here. Just like I consider my friends to be family and I've gotten away from them in order to pursue my dreams I have to do the same in this situation.
Any relationship in your life has the ability to bring you great things but most people dont understand that. At least I dont think they do.
This has been a great experience though, I'm just hoping I'm a little more open the next time I hangout. I havent been meditating as much recently so I'm more uptight than usual, but this is just another lesson in practice.
I'm done with my coffee and I'm ready to start this week. Wish me luck in being productive.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
emergency post
I have to write down my thoughts before I forget.
I dont know whats wrong with me. I need to get my priorities straight.
I need to do more things that make me happy with my life, that give me confidence and help my work ethic.
I can't seem to get it right, I need to bust my chops bad. This summer is obviously an opportunity but I need to internalize this.
I need to get my act together and fast.
I need to play more guitar, sitting down, practicing, learning more tunes, the whole 9 yards.
I need to let my ideas flow and write music that I enjoy playing.
I need to meditate more, and not slack off like I've been doing with that last week or so.
I also need to keep reading every night to keep my mind fresh.
I've come to this conclusion because today my guitar final sucked balls. I bombed really bad, granted it was hard material, but for the amount of studying that I did it should have been a little better.
Not the end of the world, but the fact that I wont be taking lessons again until I'm out of college - this is the opportunity for me to focus on what I really have loved for so long. It needs to show and it needs to be me again.
Without guitar I'm not really myself.
Last semester I had a good grasp at what I was doing, it didnt go so bad. I was at least doing what I wanted.
This semester although I'm feeling better, I dropped the ball totally with guitar.
This summer is in for some big changes. Organization, determination, practice, and healing.
I need to take care of myself otherwise I wont be myself.
Had to write all this down so I have somewhere to reference it to.
I shouldnt forget to buy a white board for my room as well.
-Pete
I dont know whats wrong with me. I need to get my priorities straight.
I need to do more things that make me happy with my life, that give me confidence and help my work ethic.
I can't seem to get it right, I need to bust my chops bad. This summer is obviously an opportunity but I need to internalize this.
I need to get my act together and fast.
I need to play more guitar, sitting down, practicing, learning more tunes, the whole 9 yards.
I need to let my ideas flow and write music that I enjoy playing.
I need to meditate more, and not slack off like I've been doing with that last week or so.
I also need to keep reading every night to keep my mind fresh.
I've come to this conclusion because today my guitar final sucked balls. I bombed really bad, granted it was hard material, but for the amount of studying that I did it should have been a little better.
Not the end of the world, but the fact that I wont be taking lessons again until I'm out of college - this is the opportunity for me to focus on what I really have loved for so long. It needs to show and it needs to be me again.
Without guitar I'm not really myself.
Last semester I had a good grasp at what I was doing, it didnt go so bad. I was at least doing what I wanted.
This semester although I'm feeling better, I dropped the ball totally with guitar.
This summer is in for some big changes. Organization, determination, practice, and healing.
I need to take care of myself otherwise I wont be myself.
Had to write all this down so I have somewhere to reference it to.
I shouldnt forget to buy a white board for my room as well.
-Pete
oh man....
Me being sick before/during finals equals ... DEATH!!!
I didnt think it would be possible. I guess I'll just have to roll with the punches.
I'll see ya after I survive this week.
-Pete
I didnt think it would be possible. I guess I'll just have to roll with the punches.
I'll see ya after I survive this week.
-Pete
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
break from schoolwork, writing down my thoughts for the week
I havent written in this thing in a while. I thought I would take the time out to write my thoughts in hopes that I'll feel better.
For the past week or so things have been hectic. I should be working on one of my many projects right now in order keep up this pace to getting things done one by one. I will at least finish something to get some progress done today, thats for sure.
I've been feeling good. My crush and/or feelings for that girl I previously spoke of kind of went away... not for any reason I still really like her, but my mind is trying to get all this school work done and honestly I haven't had much time to even think about her. I haven't seen her since Wednesdays show, but it doesn't really matter. As long as I can talk to her at least once more before we all go our separate ways for summer then I'll be fine. I just want to tell her how great its been getting to know her and that we should hang again in September when we all get back.
When I think about September I think of all the excitement thats going to be going on with my new pad and new location. I'm excited about having my own place to live.
On another crazy note, I've been keeping up with my usual workout routine and I've been feeling awesome. Yesterday I did some intense stuff on the elliptical machine and today I'm feeling it. It feels really great. I'm so happy I'm able to be in such good shape for this age, and hopefully I'll just be maintaining what I have.
Along with recovery and all the testosterone - I've been the most horny guy on the planet this week, but I've been treating myself well to some privacy to help with that so I dont act it out. Today I did three healthy sessions and its more then the usual but I needed it. Also took a couple of short naps today which felt really great, I've been exhausted all day, my body has been screaming at me to get some rest.
So with all that going on there really isn't much room for anything else. I want to be home for the summer already. I'm seriously sick of the cafeteria food here, I want to be on a better diet.
This summer calls for some major workout challenges. Working alot. Hopefully Teaching guitar as well. My finances are really gonna get it this summer.
I really want a summer fling. I know it sounds bad but I feel I deserve it...someone safe and loyal just for the summer. Back home there is no point of getting attached anyways. I need to get all the sex out of my system before I get into a more serious and well-rounded relationship. Hopefully this summer will provide me with some options. I'm not gonna go whore myself out though, it would be nice to just get to know a sweet girl that I can have casual sex with and enjoy myself this summer.
The male mind is polluted and take my word for it, I'm one of the good ones thats out there.
I think thats it for now.
-Pete
For the past week or so things have been hectic. I should be working on one of my many projects right now in order keep up this pace to getting things done one by one. I will at least finish something to get some progress done today, thats for sure.
I've been feeling good. My crush and/or feelings for that girl I previously spoke of kind of went away... not for any reason I still really like her, but my mind is trying to get all this school work done and honestly I haven't had much time to even think about her. I haven't seen her since Wednesdays show, but it doesn't really matter. As long as I can talk to her at least once more before we all go our separate ways for summer then I'll be fine. I just want to tell her how great its been getting to know her and that we should hang again in September when we all get back.
When I think about September I think of all the excitement thats going to be going on with my new pad and new location. I'm excited about having my own place to live.
On another crazy note, I've been keeping up with my usual workout routine and I've been feeling awesome. Yesterday I did some intense stuff on the elliptical machine and today I'm feeling it. It feels really great. I'm so happy I'm able to be in such good shape for this age, and hopefully I'll just be maintaining what I have.
Along with recovery and all the testosterone - I've been the most horny guy on the planet this week, but I've been treating myself well to some privacy to help with that so I dont act it out. Today I did three healthy sessions and its more then the usual but I needed it. Also took a couple of short naps today which felt really great, I've been exhausted all day, my body has been screaming at me to get some rest.
So with all that going on there really isn't much room for anything else. I want to be home for the summer already. I'm seriously sick of the cafeteria food here, I want to be on a better diet.
This summer calls for some major workout challenges. Working alot. Hopefully Teaching guitar as well. My finances are really gonna get it this summer.
I really want a summer fling. I know it sounds bad but I feel I deserve it...someone safe and loyal just for the summer. Back home there is no point of getting attached anyways. I need to get all the sex out of my system before I get into a more serious and well-rounded relationship. Hopefully this summer will provide me with some options. I'm not gonna go whore myself out though, it would be nice to just get to know a sweet girl that I can have casual sex with and enjoy myself this summer.
The male mind is polluted and take my word for it, I'm one of the good ones thats out there.
I think thats it for now.
-Pete
Thursday, April 3, 2008
coffee, and then some...
Alright, well I finally got a chance to go out with coffee with the girl I had been talking about.
It was a fun experience. Although I'm not sure if the friend card has been played or if I'm simply in the beginning stages of getting to know someone, I dont really know what to think. The experience was very positive, and I was pretty relaxed talking to her and getting to know her. She didnt really seem to send me any signals that she liked me, but who knows. I had a slight feeling that maybe she is still involved with her ex.
I told her it was fun and we should do it again, and I walked her to where she was headed, I told her that it was great talking to her and that hopefully I'll see her again soon.
I'm basically high right now from the experence, it had turn out really well, beside a few minor blips that I had felt like I had run out of things to say and my brain was scrambling for ideas. We talked about family and lots of different things, it was really nice. She's a really sweet girl, and I think I could put in the effort to be with someone this sweet if I just practiced more patience. I cant really expect much from this so once again I have been sort of let down. Its my own fault for having an expectation, but I'm really glad I was able to present myself in the ways that I had wanted. Calm, level headed, and with a sense of humor. I wish I wasnt on my medication so I could be a little more witty then I am now.
I do hope that I have more chances to get to know her and hopefully soemthing will progress, for now though I really cant have an expectation in order not to drive myself crazy.
Expectation is the key to failure.
-Pete
It was a fun experience. Although I'm not sure if the friend card has been played or if I'm simply in the beginning stages of getting to know someone, I dont really know what to think. The experience was very positive, and I was pretty relaxed talking to her and getting to know her. She didnt really seem to send me any signals that she liked me, but who knows. I had a slight feeling that maybe she is still involved with her ex.
I told her it was fun and we should do it again, and I walked her to where she was headed, I told her that it was great talking to her and that hopefully I'll see her again soon.
I'm basically high right now from the experence, it had turn out really well, beside a few minor blips that I had felt like I had run out of things to say and my brain was scrambling for ideas. We talked about family and lots of different things, it was really nice. She's a really sweet girl, and I think I could put in the effort to be with someone this sweet if I just practiced more patience. I cant really expect much from this so once again I have been sort of let down. Its my own fault for having an expectation, but I'm really glad I was able to present myself in the ways that I had wanted. Calm, level headed, and with a sense of humor. I wish I wasnt on my medication so I could be a little more witty then I am now.
I do hope that I have more chances to get to know her and hopefully soemthing will progress, for now though I really cant have an expectation in order not to drive myself crazy.
Expectation is the key to failure.
-Pete
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