RIP Dimebag. 5 years ago.

I've been listening to Pantera all night, I found out it's been 5 years since Dimebag was killed on stage. I love the guy and I hope he's having fun exploring the universe.

I've had a really good day, so much that I'm wondering why I'm staying up late. I can't seem to wind down correctly and its just annoying. I was hoping I could just do the usual and then head to bed. The heat in my studio has been helping me get sleepy but for some reason it just isnt enough. I don't want to sleep in till 12 or 1pm anymore.

I woke up today answering a phone call from my pops all groggy and it was already like 11:30. Or was that the day before.

If I have an important phone call in the morning its not gonna be good if I answer the phone all out of energy.

I've been getting some job interview related phone calls. There are a few opportunities out there, I'm hoping something moves quickly since its been sort of slow. I'd really like to start working soon, hopefully that will happen shortly.

I need to be more kind of myself. I was at meditation group today and I skipped out early. I meant to talk to this one girl I've had my eye on but I couldn't get myself to do it. I blamed it on an upset stomach. The sitting season was great, but my stomach kept bothering me. I shouldn't have had dinner that late.

I love getting out of my apartment, but it gets sad when I come home and no one is around to hangout with. I'd like to have a movie to watch or at least have a job or new instrument so I can be motivated to be above and beyond my usual.

I fear of being alone. I've worked really hard to get to where I am today and it's really not doing anything for me to just sit around and not enrich someone elses life with greatness. I know I've got it, I would just like to share it without going crazy from the bullshit emotional status - or whatever.

This girl I know is visiting LA right now, for a day - visiting her guy friend - whoever that is. She didn't even mention she was going to be here. Apparently coming to LA from chicago for one whole day is really worth the trip. What a sap. He's got his work cut out for him. Out of all the women there are in LA - he flys his into town for one night. Thats one classy lady.

This is all sort of irrelevant stuff because my life is moving forward here in LA, and I've found a nice place to be. I have great moments where I feel at home, I feel glad I can come to my apartment and feel warm and welcome - even if I'm just on my own. It's different but it's getting warmer.

I have a shopping list of stuff I need to buy for my place once I get A job. I'm trying not to attach myself to materialism but this is just me trying not to forget what it is I need to buy.

I've been feeling alot healthier recently - my whole diet is whole food now. I can't even stand buy groceries from the local Ralphs. I'll just get paper towels there or something.


This holiday season will be rough on me. I don't think I've ever spent Christmas alone in a long time. I'd always come home and it'd always be fairly festive. I know for a fact that everyone is going home for the holidays but I choose not to come home. Too much bullshit and I'd rather just tough it out on my own. After all I haven't even gotten a job yet, what am I gonna say. I've been to LA, accomplished nothing and I've seen nothing special. Yup.

I'm proud of the fact I'm here, I could careless that nothing has happend yet, besides my need for monetary success. I really just want to be living my own life out here, and I've never felt better about it. I want a women who loves and respects me, and I want a career that I know will not get dull and will always been challenging me as a human being. I want to make things better for the people of earth, somehow - so we can survive and thrive on other planets and in space travel.

This has been too long winded already. I feel better after writing this, starting to get sleepy....

Take care of yourself, whoever reads this ramble.

Los Angeles

So once again I find myself back to where I go to vent and post about nothing at all.

I'm in LA now, after several classes, days, months, seasons, problems, solutions have passed. I feel good here, for the most part. I've only been here for about a month and I've had high expectations of myself which has driven me up a wall. Things that help me stay happy are:
Working out, health awareness, new meditation group, my apartment, anything involving getting organized.

I've had my good times and my bad times here already, but I just know that I belong here. I KNOW I can't really be anywhere else unless I'm really needed there or I'm on a work assignment or something. Job hunting has been going slow, but I'm getting a better understanding of what I should be doing every week. This week has been a drag but I was finally able to pick up the guitar after doing some minor repair work on it. I'm trying to play more and take advantage of the time that I don't have work. Next month will be crunch time because I'm going to need a job, and all the bills that will be popping up.

I miss my friends from back in Illinois. You dont understand the relationships that hold you together until you go away and you're on your own and all you have is books and motivational speeches to keep you from crying yourself to sleep at night. Moms phone calls don't help much, but it's something. Glad to be away from the parts of Chicago that I don't miss though.

Los Angeles is a great place to be, especially since I'm so ready to get my career going, but I just can't understand what it takes right now. I dont know what I really want, and it seems like I'm going to have to do things I don't enjoy that much for a while and smile, and be somewhat happy.

My priorities have become more pronounced over the last year or so, and it's been a great experience. I wish I could tell everyone about it, but I think I might just save that for a book or something when I turn 35. Maybe, who knows.

Anyways. I don't know what to expect. I find myself being tired and depressed late at night like this - I crawl into bed and the next morning I'm back in action feeling better and planning what I'm suppose to be doing.

Late nights get the best of me, I feel like an old man who needs to be in bed by 10pm. At least my dreams are always with me.

"Won't you join me on the perennial quest?
Reaching into the dark, retrieving light
Search for answers on the perennial quest
Where dreams are followed, and time is a test"

Life at its finest...

I havent posted in a while. I thought I would take the time to put down some of my feelings maybe help me get my juices flowing. Sitting here with a cup of coffee thinking things over.

Yesterday I heard that one of my many hero's George Carlin died of heart failure. So today is truely a sad day. George will be missed. Its amazing how someone you've never met in person can have such an effect on you, same thing happened to me with Dimebag Darrel was killed. I consider my hero's to be fatherly figures, similarly I consider my friends to be like my family. I think it'll always be this why, and its a beautiful thing.
George was on of the great ones though, I spent the last month watching his last DVD over and over, and showing it off to people. He was truly a great man.

I heard the news and was rather sad right away. I sat down to meditate and instantly one of his jokes popped into my head, I started to laugh during my meditation session and I shed some tears. It was a healthy emotional experience. I almost instantly felt better and I had the ability to get to sleep.

RIP George we'll all miss you dearly. You've been an inspiration to wonderful minds alike.


On to my positive story.
I met this great girl two fridays ago. It was a nice experence but I didnt think it would go anywhere beyond that party, so being me, I got fed up and I left early before even saying goodbye.
Afterward I got curious so I did the whole myspace stalker thing and it turns out she thought I was really sweet.
So after about a week of talking to her online, we clicked and I ended up hanging out with her in the city Friday night. Definitely a highlight of my summer, and I guess this is what I had set out to do. It was on the list of my goals this summer, but somehow I dont think of it that way. This isnt just someone I can have fun with, but someone I can potentially learn alot from, which I think is a great additive to any relationship. I officially have a reason why I dont want to go back to Boston, but I can't stay here. Just like I consider my friends to be family and I've gotten away from them in order to pursue my dreams I have to do the same in this situation.

Any relationship in your life has the ability to bring you great things but most people dont understand that. At least I dont think they do.
This has been a great experience though, I'm just hoping I'm a little more open the next time I hangout. I havent been meditating as much recently so I'm more uptight than usual, but this is just another lesson in practice.

I'm done with my coffee and I'm ready to start this week. Wish me luck in being productive.

emergency post

I have to write down my thoughts before I forget.

I dont know whats wrong with me. I need to get my priorities straight.
I need to do more things that make me happy with my life, that give me confidence and help my work ethic.

I can't seem to get it right, I need to bust my chops bad. This summer is obviously an opportunity but I need to internalize this.

I need to get my act together and fast.
I need to play more guitar, sitting down, practicing, learning more tunes, the whole 9 yards.
I need to let my ideas flow and write music that I enjoy playing.
I need to meditate more, and not slack off like I've been doing with that last week or so.

I also need to keep reading every night to keep my mind fresh.

I've come to this conclusion because today my guitar final sucked balls. I bombed really bad, granted it was hard material, but for the amount of studying that I did it should have been a little better.

Not the end of the world, but the fact that I wont be taking lessons again until I'm out of college - this is the opportunity for me to focus on what I really have loved for so long. It needs to show and it needs to be me again.

Without guitar I'm not really myself.
Last semester I had a good grasp at what I was doing, it didnt go so bad. I was at least doing what I wanted.
This semester although I'm feeling better, I dropped the ball totally with guitar.

This summer is in for some big changes. Organization, determination, practice, and healing.

I need to take care of myself otherwise I wont be myself.

Had to write all this down so I have somewhere to reference it to.

I shouldnt forget to buy a white board for my room as well.

-Pete

oh man....

Me being sick before/during finals equals ... DEATH!!!

I didnt think it would be possible. I guess I'll just have to roll with the punches.

I'll see ya after I survive this week.
-Pete

break from schoolwork, writing down my thoughts for the week

I havent written in this thing in a while. I thought I would take the time out to write my thoughts in hopes that I'll feel better.

For the past week or so things have been hectic. I should be working on one of my many projects right now in order keep up this pace to getting things done one by one. I will at least finish something to get some progress done today, thats for sure.
I've been feeling good. My crush and/or feelings for that girl I previously spoke of kind of went away... not for any reason I still really like her, but my mind is trying to get all this school work done and honestly I haven't had much time to even think about her. I haven't seen her since Wednesdays show, but it doesn't really matter. As long as I can talk to her at least once more before we all go our separate ways for summer then I'll be fine. I just want to tell her how great its been getting to know her and that we should hang again in September when we all get back.
When I think about September I think of all the excitement thats going to be going on with my new pad and new location. I'm excited about having my own place to live.

On another crazy note, I've been keeping up with my usual workout routine and I've been feeling awesome. Yesterday I did some intense stuff on the elliptical machine and today I'm feeling it. It feels really great. I'm so happy I'm able to be in such good shape for this age, and hopefully I'll just be maintaining what I have.

Along with recovery and all the testosterone - I've been the most horny guy on the planet this week, but I've been treating myself well to some privacy to help with that so I dont act it out. Today I did three healthy sessions and its more then the usual but I needed it. Also took a couple of short naps today which felt really great, I've been exhausted all day, my body has been screaming at me to get some rest.

So with all that going on there really isn't much room for anything else. I want to be home for the summer already. I'm seriously sick of the cafeteria food here, I want to be on a better diet.
This summer calls for some major workout challenges. Working alot. Hopefully Teaching guitar as well. My finances are really gonna get it this summer.
I really want a summer fling. I know it sounds bad but I feel I deserve it...someone safe and loyal just for the summer. Back home there is no point of getting attached anyways. I need to get all the sex out of my system before I get into a more serious and well-rounded relationship. Hopefully this summer will provide me with some options. I'm not gonna go whore myself out though, it would be nice to just get to know a sweet girl that I can have casual sex with and enjoy myself this summer.

The male mind is polluted and take my word for it, I'm one of the good ones thats out there.

I think thats it for now.
-Pete

coffee, and then some...

Alright, well I finally got a chance to go out with coffee with the girl I had been talking about.
It was a fun experience. Although I'm not sure if the friend card has been played or if I'm simply in the beginning stages of getting to know someone, I dont really know what to think. The experience was very positive, and I was pretty relaxed talking to her and getting to know her. She didnt really seem to send me any signals that she liked me, but who knows. I had a slight feeling that maybe she is still involved with her ex.

I told her it was fun and we should do it again, and I walked her to where she was headed, I told her that it was great talking to her and that hopefully I'll see her again soon.

I'm basically high right now from the experence, it had turn out really well, beside a few minor blips that I had felt like I had run out of things to say and my brain was scrambling for ideas. We talked about family and lots of different things, it was really nice. She's a really sweet girl, and I think I could put in the effort to be with someone this sweet if I just practiced more patience. I cant really expect much from this so once again I have been sort of let down. Its my own fault for having an expectation, but I'm really glad I was able to present myself in the ways that I had wanted. Calm, level headed, and with a sense of humor. I wish I wasnt on my medication so I could be a little more witty then I am now.
I do hope that I have more chances to get to know her and hopefully soemthing will progress, for now though I really cant have an expectation in order not to drive myself crazy.

Expectation is the key to failure.

-Pete

This is the twilight zone...

Well this week has taken and interesting turn for the better!
I'm having a hard time believing everything.
So Friday I guess my friend had told that girl that I like that I'm a good guy... she was told I had a crush on her earlier this week, really interesting outcome with this.
I really don't want to jinx myself but I saw her on the street waiting to load up all her stuff in the van for her bands show that night. She waved me down from far away and gave me a big hug and was happy to see me. She told her her situation that she was waiting to head out to the show.
I arrived with some friends at the show, pretty eager to see her but pretended like I didn't see her when I walked in. She walked up to me and greeted me warmly, told he she was glad I could come. I really didn't expect any of that from her.
She talked to me briefly with the loud band that was playing at the time, we couldnt really hear each other so not so good, but good that I was close to her.
I sat and watched the show for a little while, she came up to me out of the blue and introduced me to two of her good friends. It was pretty intense, I tryed to be a gentlemen and greet then as best I could with all the loud music. I couldnt really hear them well either way.
I was pretty shocked. She gave me alot of attention on friday so I'm asking her out tomorrow. I'm hoping to get some coffee with her or something soon.

I'm sticking to my story. I have alot of offer and I deserve this. I'm better than any of those douche bag MP&E guys.
This feels pretty good and even though I am questioning if this is the twilight zone, this feels pretty real and good to me.

I'm at the top of my game right now, and this can mean big things for me.
I'm keeping myself cool, if I can maintain this should all good down pretty smooth.

Keep it real.
-Pete

tell me whats my motivation?

I often wonder sometimes what is my true motivation in pursuing girls.
I'm sorry, this blog has now been dedicated to girls it seems so perhaps I should rename it. I'm glad I can at least vent on here and feel good about it, recently I've been annoying some people and or taking my bickering out of context.

This semester has been so good. Girls have been taking me in a much better light then I ever could have imagined and it seems that way around every corner. I love it, lots of cute faces, not enough time to consider them all. That may sound slightly bad, but I cant resist a cute face - I dont have to like a girl to know she's a cutie.

I've never really liked the cliche "hot" girls because they are fairly boring. I think about it more and more these days and I would rather be with someone who is cute, takes care of themselves and actually has something up there as opposed to just liking "everything" or "nothing".
So I pursue these cuties with the best intentions in mind. This last one that I've been having on my mind has proved herself to be the cutest one but she doesn't seem to be emotionally in the right place to even pursue any longer. I want to get to know this girl so bad, but at the same time I dont want to intrude on her life. I've done enough with putting up my end of the arguement, I dont want to look more like a stalker.

And then there is some of the cuties that I liked for a shorter period of time, but decided to give up on for whatever stupid reason. They come out of the woodwork or pass me on the street and say Hi, and its really nice to see a cute smiling face every once in a while.

I'm a sucker for a cute face. I dont know what it is. Supermodels can all go burn in hell and die. haha.

Feeling great again after just one day of going back to the gym. I hope this keeps up, meanwhile I have alot of school work I need to be doing, so hopefully I can get to that.
Peace out!

Feeling better, thankfully.

Finally feeling somewhat normal. I've been going to the chiropractor for this whole week. The adjustments have been really awesome. My back finally feels somewhat good. Still have some work that needs to be done on it though, hopefully the muscle back there will heal up soon.

There hasn't been much going on this spring break. I wanted to get more work done than I have, I've been playing alot of guitar which is great and something that I've wanted to do, but its been distracting me from the real work I should be doing. I have these two projects I should be finishing up as well as studying for the 2 finals I missed last semester so I need to get on that today.
Hopefully I can have the first project at least done by tonight, edit it tomorrow so I can get it played this week.

I've been pretty daring recently. I decided I would get in touch with this girl I think is pretty cute and I've wanted to get to know for a long time but I've never been in the right place at the right time.
I've gotten a positive response so far, but she hasn't called me so that isnt good. I guess I should be the one getting in touch with her.
She seemed to be happy to hear from me considering she doesn't really talk to me. I'm excited about this whole thing but its taking up too much brain space. I wish girls wouldnt occupy my mind like they do, but I suppose then I wouldnt like women all that much. This girl is a cutie and I hope I can get to know her. She's single, so thats a positive from last time, AND interestingly a friend of mine told me she could set me up with her - at the time though she didnt mention any names, so I passed.
The next day she told me who it was and I was kind of floored, its nice to have some spice in your life. I just like not being in limbo, I like having something to look forward to.
Maybe I should be daring and just send her a message to meet up.
I think I might just do that. But first - Gotta have some Halvah for desert which my mom so kindly sent me.

I feel like a little school girl ranting about my elementary level current events, but I would rather have them be elementary then anything else. Its bad enough I feel older than I am already.
Peace,
-Pete

Experencing good days.

I've been fortunate enough to enrich my life with clarity for the last couple of years and its been simply great. I don't think I can really explain the things that have happened that have made every week of my life feel better. I dont think I can give people credit for this at all. Its all me. I'm god.

Sounds pretty pompous at the end there... you would be too if your life turns from pure shit to greatness within a matter of a year or two.
I'm quite the happy guy.

Today was a great day considering I'm recovering from this case of the flu and Bronchitis. Just like everything you have the ability to recover. People look at it all wrong, or at least I did.

So I feel like I'm back to square one. Back in this state of limbo that happens everytime you just have no leads or possible crushes. This is one of the first time's I've felt really great while I just sit here and reflect of my day.
I understand where I stand and what I really meant when I told myself I would be single until I graduate or until after I graduate. I dont think I should be so brutal on myself. I've been looking great recently and I've really had something to show people. Shit, I'm impressing myself. I wouldnt say this at all to anyone in real life, but its hard to look good in the mirror when you look at yourself everyday, but it honestly has been really good. Going back to the gym tomorrow after a week long break. Pretty pumped about that.

Another good day to check off in my book.
Practice hard. Keep and eye out for leads.

Peace.

Frustration and Jealousy...

Hey everyone who reads this, lets pretend you actually exist.

I'm awake at 6:20am after a night of chilling in the Tv lounge with some people, had my fill in pizza and trying to battle this cold or whatever it is.
I'm sick as a dog but I cant seem to fall asleep.
I even jerked off as usually and it didnt really get me sleeping like I want. What gives?
I have a doctors appointment on monday hopefully I'll get some answers. I've had a fever for the last day or so but its gone down with the Tylenol I've been taking.
I'm basically really frustrated because this sickness has made me skip classes and interrupted my workout agenda. I guess I could use a break from working out anyways.

My jealousy comes from the whole Nicole situation. I really like this girl, she's so awesome, and I keep feeling like I have a chance in the future - which is an aweful feeling because shes been dating a guy since december.
I was recently sitting at lunch with some people and she happened to be sitting with all of them. I sat farther away just so it wouldn't look obvious I was trying to talk to her. I talked to eddy and mingled in the conversations they were all having, I was getting sick during this so I was zoning out a bit as well.
Of couse me being the admirer that I am I totally took a couple of glances at her while she was talking and eating her food. When I look at her I think of how awesome she is and it takes me back to the conversations, or at least the first few that were pretty great.
Here is the kicker - She was listening to someone talk, all the while, she was staring straight at me so when I brought my eyes up I looked straight at her and our eyes locked for a fraction of a second. She got scarred so she looked looked away real fast, but honestly this sounds bad but I've been high off of that moment for this whole week.
I really want her to just dump that immature douchebag she's dating now, and at least get to know me a little. I want to talk to her more, but I also feel like her not being single makes this an ugly situation - I will be friendly but I just dont have the motivation. At least I can enjoy the little things.

On a related note: I really want someone to cuddle with. This is something I've been missing out on for oh so many years and I need to make up for the time that I've lost same thing goes for literature.

Have a good weekend folks.
-Pete

some relief...

This week has been off to a good start. Hit the gym yesterday, and today, feeling really good about myself.
My metabolism has been burning like crazy.

The whole thing with that girl I had fun with one friday night is now off.
It had its good one night run. Even so there was no sex, not that I actually care. I figured I would have to include that detail in so you could get an accurate feeling of who i am. Not that it really matters, lol.

Its actually easier this way for various reasons.


I'm off to keep it real and do more homework.

Destroy.

-Pete

interesting end to my week.

First off, I would like to comment on the whole NIU shooting. I dont want to mention anything particular about the shooting itself, but I would like to touch on the subject of protesting the funerals.
Homophobia in this country is a disease and honestly people need to stop being part of the problem.
When you do things like protest the Manson concert, or protest funerals, I honestly don't understand how you people get the guts to do these kinds of things.

Blaming Manson on your kids problems is very irresponsible and immature.


I'm honestly sick of all this bullshit in this country.

--------


On another really good note. I met a girl this past week, we were at a party on Friday and we left, got some pizza and went to her place. I ended up staying at her place till 6am. It was a pretty interesting night.

She's a great girl with alot to offer. I just hope that I dont get her emotional tangled in me. So I've been honest with what I've wanted. I just want to take it easy with this for once and not get heavy into a relationship. Shes seemed to be cool about it, both of our past have been kinda rocky with relationships so this should be an interesting time for me.
I'm really confused as to what I really want, but I think the whole taking it slow thing is really needed for me, because right now isnt a very good time for me to be getting deep into stuff simply because I had a rough ride last semester. I almost lost my head, and I think something serious right now isnt anything good for my health at all.
Hopefully if I explain myself a couple more times I can get her to understand, I dont think it should be too big of a deal.

But Friday night was awesome. Enjoyed myself alot.

-Pete

Herbie, not Kanye

So Herbie Hancock won the award for the Best album of the Year. Basically really cool that he did because every other artist was R+B or hip hop, or rock. So for him to win its big news for a lot of people.

So congrats to Herbie. And Kanye West is a fuckin douch bag.



On another note. I'm actually really looking forward to this week. If I just stick with my usual routine then all will be good. And my horoscope told me its suppose to be good.
As long as I can stick with the gym, and keep up with my school stuff, then all will be cool.
The fact that I dont really like anyone really bums me out, but I guess thats just what happens.

I hope this week brings me some cheer.

night.

still awake.

I have to be up for class tomorrow and I'm still awake.
I dont know whats keeping me up... at this point I'm just confused.
I wish I had a better understanding of why I'm still running on full speed after an entire day of going insane.

I've also been pondering the whole girl thing, and I've come so far, yet I feel like I'm getting nowhere at all. This is torture.

I'm a good man, I deserve a little honest reward from time to time, and you might think I'm referring to pussy itself, but that is simply turning a body part into material, which is not satisfying.
I need a woman, even if its just for a 2 week period so I can learn from it, I wouldn't mind.

I really need to get to bed.
The weekend is almost here, and I'm ready for it.
-Pete

Love is blind.

Well.
This is the way it goes. The girl that I happen to like is seeing someone.
Totally saw this coming. I asked a friend of hers and he apparently had the same problem last semester.
So not that my cognition is justified, I guess I can be more easy about the situation.
For now I'll be on the down low.

I'm glad I at least have the balls to ask people and get the facts.

-Pete

Its feels good to be part of something.

Today was a great day.
Class in the morning was the same old stuff.
then went to the gym around 1pm. Got in a good workout.
Got my mom's package in the mail and I'm pretty happy about that.
Did a 4 hour recording session for a demo of my friends song, also my friend alayna was producing so it was her project.
Had pizza during the session, and I played well.

My goals got accomplished today, feels really great.

Haven't spoken to wonder woman since yesterday.

Now its midnight and I'm just exhausted.
So goodnight.

-Pete

Coffee will cure all that ails you...

Well. It happened - I asked her out for coffee. I know on here it might sound like a big deal, or like I'm just a little school boy, but this is a big deal for me.

She told me she didn't know how her schedule looked like, but I told her just to let me know whatever.
I'm not really sure how she feels about it, I'm simply going on vagueness, but this looks pretty positive.

Lets hope that things will seem more obvious. I dont like thinking about whether a girl likes me or not. I wish I had more blunt ways to tell.

Hope you all have yourself a good week. Mine started off just fine.

Goodnight.
-Pete

no signs... hopefully sometime soon.

No signs of wonder women for miles.
I'm still hopefull I will talk to her sometime this week, and hopefully I can show some of my sensitive side again.
I dont think that this is my ticket to happiness for my college career, I dont expect it that way, but I'm so long overdue it's painful.
I would like someone who understands me, and someone who I can get to know.
It sucks.

I hope I'm understood.

Writing in this blog has been really helpful. I come on here and I vent, because not that many are around to listen to my bullshit. I'm really happy with what I have, but I'm hoping for the things I haven't experienced yet. I would like to experience a solid relationship with a great girl, because I need to know what thats like to continue with my quest for a healthy relationship for my future. I dont want to be like my parents, dont want to be like my friends. I wanted to be myself. The best way to do that is to reinvent myself from experiences that had their pros and cons.

Blah.
Alright.
Goodnight.
Whoever reads this... thank you.
-Pete