RIP Dimebag. 5 years ago.

I've been listening to Pantera all night, I found out it's been 5 years since Dimebag was killed on stage. I love the guy and I hope he's having fun exploring the universe.

I've had a really good day, so much that I'm wondering why I'm staying up late. I can't seem to wind down correctly and its just annoying. I was hoping I could just do the usual and then head to bed. The heat in my studio has been helping me get sleepy but for some reason it just isnt enough. I don't want to sleep in till 12 or 1pm anymore.

I woke up today answering a phone call from my pops all groggy and it was already like 11:30. Or was that the day before.

If I have an important phone call in the morning its not gonna be good if I answer the phone all out of energy.

I've been getting some job interview related phone calls. There are a few opportunities out there, I'm hoping something moves quickly since its been sort of slow. I'd really like to start working soon, hopefully that will happen shortly.

I need to be more kind of myself. I was at meditation group today and I skipped out early. I meant to talk to this one girl I've had my eye on but I couldn't get myself to do it. I blamed it on an upset stomach. The sitting season was great, but my stomach kept bothering me. I shouldn't have had dinner that late.

I love getting out of my apartment, but it gets sad when I come home and no one is around to hangout with. I'd like to have a movie to watch or at least have a job or new instrument so I can be motivated to be above and beyond my usual.

I fear of being alone. I've worked really hard to get to where I am today and it's really not doing anything for me to just sit around and not enrich someone elses life with greatness. I know I've got it, I would just like to share it without going crazy from the bullshit emotional status - or whatever.

This girl I know is visiting LA right now, for a day - visiting her guy friend - whoever that is. She didn't even mention she was going to be here. Apparently coming to LA from chicago for one whole day is really worth the trip. What a sap. He's got his work cut out for him. Out of all the women there are in LA - he flys his into town for one night. Thats one classy lady.

This is all sort of irrelevant stuff because my life is moving forward here in LA, and I've found a nice place to be. I have great moments where I feel at home, I feel glad I can come to my apartment and feel warm and welcome - even if I'm just on my own. It's different but it's getting warmer.

I have a shopping list of stuff I need to buy for my place once I get A job. I'm trying not to attach myself to materialism but this is just me trying not to forget what it is I need to buy.

I've been feeling alot healthier recently - my whole diet is whole food now. I can't even stand buy groceries from the local Ralphs. I'll just get paper towels there or something.


This holiday season will be rough on me. I don't think I've ever spent Christmas alone in a long time. I'd always come home and it'd always be fairly festive. I know for a fact that everyone is going home for the holidays but I choose not to come home. Too much bullshit and I'd rather just tough it out on my own. After all I haven't even gotten a job yet, what am I gonna say. I've been to LA, accomplished nothing and I've seen nothing special. Yup.

I'm proud of the fact I'm here, I could careless that nothing has happend yet, besides my need for monetary success. I really just want to be living my own life out here, and I've never felt better about it. I want a women who loves and respects me, and I want a career that I know will not get dull and will always been challenging me as a human being. I want to make things better for the people of earth, somehow - so we can survive and thrive on other planets and in space travel.

This has been too long winded already. I feel better after writing this, starting to get sleepy....

Take care of yourself, whoever reads this ramble.

Los Angeles

So once again I find myself back to where I go to vent and post about nothing at all.

I'm in LA now, after several classes, days, months, seasons, problems, solutions have passed. I feel good here, for the most part. I've only been here for about a month and I've had high expectations of myself which has driven me up a wall. Things that help me stay happy are:
Working out, health awareness, new meditation group, my apartment, anything involving getting organized.

I've had my good times and my bad times here already, but I just know that I belong here. I KNOW I can't really be anywhere else unless I'm really needed there or I'm on a work assignment or something. Job hunting has been going slow, but I'm getting a better understanding of what I should be doing every week. This week has been a drag but I was finally able to pick up the guitar after doing some minor repair work on it. I'm trying to play more and take advantage of the time that I don't have work. Next month will be crunch time because I'm going to need a job, and all the bills that will be popping up.

I miss my friends from back in Illinois. You dont understand the relationships that hold you together until you go away and you're on your own and all you have is books and motivational speeches to keep you from crying yourself to sleep at night. Moms phone calls don't help much, but it's something. Glad to be away from the parts of Chicago that I don't miss though.

Los Angeles is a great place to be, especially since I'm so ready to get my career going, but I just can't understand what it takes right now. I dont know what I really want, and it seems like I'm going to have to do things I don't enjoy that much for a while and smile, and be somewhat happy.

My priorities have become more pronounced over the last year or so, and it's been a great experience. I wish I could tell everyone about it, but I think I might just save that for a book or something when I turn 35. Maybe, who knows.

Anyways. I don't know what to expect. I find myself being tired and depressed late at night like this - I crawl into bed and the next morning I'm back in action feeling better and planning what I'm suppose to be doing.

Late nights get the best of me, I feel like an old man who needs to be in bed by 10pm. At least my dreams are always with me.

"Won't you join me on the perennial quest?
Reaching into the dark, retrieving light
Search for answers on the perennial quest
Where dreams are followed, and time is a test"