Life at its finest...

I havent posted in a while. I thought I would take the time to put down some of my feelings maybe help me get my juices flowing. Sitting here with a cup of coffee thinking things over.

Yesterday I heard that one of my many hero's George Carlin died of heart failure. So today is truely a sad day. George will be missed. Its amazing how someone you've never met in person can have such an effect on you, same thing happened to me with Dimebag Darrel was killed. I consider my hero's to be fatherly figures, similarly I consider my friends to be like my family. I think it'll always be this why, and its a beautiful thing.
George was on of the great ones though, I spent the last month watching his last DVD over and over, and showing it off to people. He was truly a great man.

I heard the news and was rather sad right away. I sat down to meditate and instantly one of his jokes popped into my head, I started to laugh during my meditation session and I shed some tears. It was a healthy emotional experience. I almost instantly felt better and I had the ability to get to sleep.

RIP George we'll all miss you dearly. You've been an inspiration to wonderful minds alike.


On to my positive story.
I met this great girl two fridays ago. It was a nice experence but I didnt think it would go anywhere beyond that party, so being me, I got fed up and I left early before even saying goodbye.
Afterward I got curious so I did the whole myspace stalker thing and it turns out she thought I was really sweet.
So after about a week of talking to her online, we clicked and I ended up hanging out with her in the city Friday night. Definitely a highlight of my summer, and I guess this is what I had set out to do. It was on the list of my goals this summer, but somehow I dont think of it that way. This isnt just someone I can have fun with, but someone I can potentially learn alot from, which I think is a great additive to any relationship. I officially have a reason why I dont want to go back to Boston, but I can't stay here. Just like I consider my friends to be family and I've gotten away from them in order to pursue my dreams I have to do the same in this situation.

Any relationship in your life has the ability to bring you great things but most people dont understand that. At least I dont think they do.
This has been a great experience though, I'm just hoping I'm a little more open the next time I hangout. I havent been meditating as much recently so I'm more uptight than usual, but this is just another lesson in practice.

I'm done with my coffee and I'm ready to start this week. Wish me luck in being productive.

emergency post

I have to write down my thoughts before I forget.

I dont know whats wrong with me. I need to get my priorities straight.
I need to do more things that make me happy with my life, that give me confidence and help my work ethic.

I can't seem to get it right, I need to bust my chops bad. This summer is obviously an opportunity but I need to internalize this.

I need to get my act together and fast.
I need to play more guitar, sitting down, practicing, learning more tunes, the whole 9 yards.
I need to let my ideas flow and write music that I enjoy playing.
I need to meditate more, and not slack off like I've been doing with that last week or so.

I also need to keep reading every night to keep my mind fresh.

I've come to this conclusion because today my guitar final sucked balls. I bombed really bad, granted it was hard material, but for the amount of studying that I did it should have been a little better.

Not the end of the world, but the fact that I wont be taking lessons again until I'm out of college - this is the opportunity for me to focus on what I really have loved for so long. It needs to show and it needs to be me again.

Without guitar I'm not really myself.
Last semester I had a good grasp at what I was doing, it didnt go so bad. I was at least doing what I wanted.
This semester although I'm feeling better, I dropped the ball totally with guitar.

This summer is in for some big changes. Organization, determination, practice, and healing.

I need to take care of myself otherwise I wont be myself.

Had to write all this down so I have somewhere to reference it to.

I shouldnt forget to buy a white board for my room as well.

-Pete

oh man....

Me being sick before/during finals equals ... DEATH!!!

I didnt think it would be possible. I guess I'll just have to roll with the punches.

I'll see ya after I survive this week.
-Pete

break from schoolwork, writing down my thoughts for the week

I havent written in this thing in a while. I thought I would take the time out to write my thoughts in hopes that I'll feel better.

For the past week or so things have been hectic. I should be working on one of my many projects right now in order keep up this pace to getting things done one by one. I will at least finish something to get some progress done today, thats for sure.
I've been feeling good. My crush and/or feelings for that girl I previously spoke of kind of went away... not for any reason I still really like her, but my mind is trying to get all this school work done and honestly I haven't had much time to even think about her. I haven't seen her since Wednesdays show, but it doesn't really matter. As long as I can talk to her at least once more before we all go our separate ways for summer then I'll be fine. I just want to tell her how great its been getting to know her and that we should hang again in September when we all get back.
When I think about September I think of all the excitement thats going to be going on with my new pad and new location. I'm excited about having my own place to live.

On another crazy note, I've been keeping up with my usual workout routine and I've been feeling awesome. Yesterday I did some intense stuff on the elliptical machine and today I'm feeling it. It feels really great. I'm so happy I'm able to be in such good shape for this age, and hopefully I'll just be maintaining what I have.

Along with recovery and all the testosterone - I've been the most horny guy on the planet this week, but I've been treating myself well to some privacy to help with that so I dont act it out. Today I did three healthy sessions and its more then the usual but I needed it. Also took a couple of short naps today which felt really great, I've been exhausted all day, my body has been screaming at me to get some rest.

So with all that going on there really isn't much room for anything else. I want to be home for the summer already. I'm seriously sick of the cafeteria food here, I want to be on a better diet.
This summer calls for some major workout challenges. Working alot. Hopefully Teaching guitar as well. My finances are really gonna get it this summer.
I really want a summer fling. I know it sounds bad but I feel I deserve it...someone safe and loyal just for the summer. Back home there is no point of getting attached anyways. I need to get all the sex out of my system before I get into a more serious and well-rounded relationship. Hopefully this summer will provide me with some options. I'm not gonna go whore myself out though, it would be nice to just get to know a sweet girl that I can have casual sex with and enjoy myself this summer.

The male mind is polluted and take my word for it, I'm one of the good ones thats out there.

I think thats it for now.
-Pete

coffee, and then some...

Alright, well I finally got a chance to go out with coffee with the girl I had been talking about.
It was a fun experience. Although I'm not sure if the friend card has been played or if I'm simply in the beginning stages of getting to know someone, I dont really know what to think. The experience was very positive, and I was pretty relaxed talking to her and getting to know her. She didnt really seem to send me any signals that she liked me, but who knows. I had a slight feeling that maybe she is still involved with her ex.

I told her it was fun and we should do it again, and I walked her to where she was headed, I told her that it was great talking to her and that hopefully I'll see her again soon.

I'm basically high right now from the experence, it had turn out really well, beside a few minor blips that I had felt like I had run out of things to say and my brain was scrambling for ideas. We talked about family and lots of different things, it was really nice. She's a really sweet girl, and I think I could put in the effort to be with someone this sweet if I just practiced more patience. I cant really expect much from this so once again I have been sort of let down. Its my own fault for having an expectation, but I'm really glad I was able to present myself in the ways that I had wanted. Calm, level headed, and with a sense of humor. I wish I wasnt on my medication so I could be a little more witty then I am now.
I do hope that I have more chances to get to know her and hopefully soemthing will progress, for now though I really cant have an expectation in order not to drive myself crazy.

Expectation is the key to failure.

-Pete

This is the twilight zone...

Well this week has taken and interesting turn for the better!
I'm having a hard time believing everything.
So Friday I guess my friend had told that girl that I like that I'm a good guy... she was told I had a crush on her earlier this week, really interesting outcome with this.
I really don't want to jinx myself but I saw her on the street waiting to load up all her stuff in the van for her bands show that night. She waved me down from far away and gave me a big hug and was happy to see me. She told her her situation that she was waiting to head out to the show.
I arrived with some friends at the show, pretty eager to see her but pretended like I didn't see her when I walked in. She walked up to me and greeted me warmly, told he she was glad I could come. I really didn't expect any of that from her.
She talked to me briefly with the loud band that was playing at the time, we couldnt really hear each other so not so good, but good that I was close to her.
I sat and watched the show for a little while, she came up to me out of the blue and introduced me to two of her good friends. It was pretty intense, I tryed to be a gentlemen and greet then as best I could with all the loud music. I couldnt really hear them well either way.
I was pretty shocked. She gave me alot of attention on friday so I'm asking her out tomorrow. I'm hoping to get some coffee with her or something soon.

I'm sticking to my story. I have alot of offer and I deserve this. I'm better than any of those douche bag MP&E guys.
This feels pretty good and even though I am questioning if this is the twilight zone, this feels pretty real and good to me.

I'm at the top of my game right now, and this can mean big things for me.
I'm keeping myself cool, if I can maintain this should all good down pretty smooth.

Keep it real.
-Pete

tell me whats my motivation?

I often wonder sometimes what is my true motivation in pursuing girls.
I'm sorry, this blog has now been dedicated to girls it seems so perhaps I should rename it. I'm glad I can at least vent on here and feel good about it, recently I've been annoying some people and or taking my bickering out of context.

This semester has been so good. Girls have been taking me in a much better light then I ever could have imagined and it seems that way around every corner. I love it, lots of cute faces, not enough time to consider them all. That may sound slightly bad, but I cant resist a cute face - I dont have to like a girl to know she's a cutie.

I've never really liked the cliche "hot" girls because they are fairly boring. I think about it more and more these days and I would rather be with someone who is cute, takes care of themselves and actually has something up there as opposed to just liking "everything" or "nothing".
So I pursue these cuties with the best intentions in mind. This last one that I've been having on my mind has proved herself to be the cutest one but she doesn't seem to be emotionally in the right place to even pursue any longer. I want to get to know this girl so bad, but at the same time I dont want to intrude on her life. I've done enough with putting up my end of the arguement, I dont want to look more like a stalker.

And then there is some of the cuties that I liked for a shorter period of time, but decided to give up on for whatever stupid reason. They come out of the woodwork or pass me on the street and say Hi, and its really nice to see a cute smiling face every once in a while.

I'm a sucker for a cute face. I dont know what it is. Supermodels can all go burn in hell and die. haha.

Feeling great again after just one day of going back to the gym. I hope this keeps up, meanwhile I have alot of school work I need to be doing, so hopefully I can get to that.
Peace out!

Feeling better, thankfully.

Finally feeling somewhat normal. I've been going to the chiropractor for this whole week. The adjustments have been really awesome. My back finally feels somewhat good. Still have some work that needs to be done on it though, hopefully the muscle back there will heal up soon.

There hasn't been much going on this spring break. I wanted to get more work done than I have, I've been playing alot of guitar which is great and something that I've wanted to do, but its been distracting me from the real work I should be doing. I have these two projects I should be finishing up as well as studying for the 2 finals I missed last semester so I need to get on that today.
Hopefully I can have the first project at least done by tonight, edit it tomorrow so I can get it played this week.

I've been pretty daring recently. I decided I would get in touch with this girl I think is pretty cute and I've wanted to get to know for a long time but I've never been in the right place at the right time.
I've gotten a positive response so far, but she hasn't called me so that isnt good. I guess I should be the one getting in touch with her.
She seemed to be happy to hear from me considering she doesn't really talk to me. I'm excited about this whole thing but its taking up too much brain space. I wish girls wouldnt occupy my mind like they do, but I suppose then I wouldnt like women all that much. This girl is a cutie and I hope I can get to know her. She's single, so thats a positive from last time, AND interestingly a friend of mine told me she could set me up with her - at the time though she didnt mention any names, so I passed.
The next day she told me who it was and I was kind of floored, its nice to have some spice in your life. I just like not being in limbo, I like having something to look forward to.
Maybe I should be daring and just send her a message to meet up.
I think I might just do that. But first - Gotta have some Halvah for desert which my mom so kindly sent me.

I feel like a little school girl ranting about my elementary level current events, but I would rather have them be elementary then anything else. Its bad enough I feel older than I am already.
Peace,
-Pete

Experencing good days.

I've been fortunate enough to enrich my life with clarity for the last couple of years and its been simply great. I don't think I can really explain the things that have happened that have made every week of my life feel better. I dont think I can give people credit for this at all. Its all me. I'm god.

Sounds pretty pompous at the end there... you would be too if your life turns from pure shit to greatness within a matter of a year or two.
I'm quite the happy guy.

Today was a great day considering I'm recovering from this case of the flu and Bronchitis. Just like everything you have the ability to recover. People look at it all wrong, or at least I did.

So I feel like I'm back to square one. Back in this state of limbo that happens everytime you just have no leads or possible crushes. This is one of the first time's I've felt really great while I just sit here and reflect of my day.
I understand where I stand and what I really meant when I told myself I would be single until I graduate or until after I graduate. I dont think I should be so brutal on myself. I've been looking great recently and I've really had something to show people. Shit, I'm impressing myself. I wouldnt say this at all to anyone in real life, but its hard to look good in the mirror when you look at yourself everyday, but it honestly has been really good. Going back to the gym tomorrow after a week long break. Pretty pumped about that.

Another good day to check off in my book.
Practice hard. Keep and eye out for leads.

Peace.

Frustration and Jealousy...

Hey everyone who reads this, lets pretend you actually exist.

I'm awake at 6:20am after a night of chilling in the Tv lounge with some people, had my fill in pizza and trying to battle this cold or whatever it is.
I'm sick as a dog but I cant seem to fall asleep.
I even jerked off as usually and it didnt really get me sleeping like I want. What gives?
I have a doctors appointment on monday hopefully I'll get some answers. I've had a fever for the last day or so but its gone down with the Tylenol I've been taking.
I'm basically really frustrated because this sickness has made me skip classes and interrupted my workout agenda. I guess I could use a break from working out anyways.

My jealousy comes from the whole Nicole situation. I really like this girl, she's so awesome, and I keep feeling like I have a chance in the future - which is an aweful feeling because shes been dating a guy since december.
I was recently sitting at lunch with some people and she happened to be sitting with all of them. I sat farther away just so it wouldn't look obvious I was trying to talk to her. I talked to eddy and mingled in the conversations they were all having, I was getting sick during this so I was zoning out a bit as well.
Of couse me being the admirer that I am I totally took a couple of glances at her while she was talking and eating her food. When I look at her I think of how awesome she is and it takes me back to the conversations, or at least the first few that were pretty great.
Here is the kicker - She was listening to someone talk, all the while, she was staring straight at me so when I brought my eyes up I looked straight at her and our eyes locked for a fraction of a second. She got scarred so she looked looked away real fast, but honestly this sounds bad but I've been high off of that moment for this whole week.
I really want her to just dump that immature douchebag she's dating now, and at least get to know me a little. I want to talk to her more, but I also feel like her not being single makes this an ugly situation - I will be friendly but I just dont have the motivation. At least I can enjoy the little things.

On a related note: I really want someone to cuddle with. This is something I've been missing out on for oh so many years and I need to make up for the time that I've lost same thing goes for literature.

Have a good weekend folks.
-Pete

some relief...

This week has been off to a good start. Hit the gym yesterday, and today, feeling really good about myself.
My metabolism has been burning like crazy.

The whole thing with that girl I had fun with one friday night is now off.
It had its good one night run. Even so there was no sex, not that I actually care. I figured I would have to include that detail in so you could get an accurate feeling of who i am. Not that it really matters, lol.

Its actually easier this way for various reasons.


I'm off to keep it real and do more homework.

Destroy.

-Pete

interesting end to my week.

First off, I would like to comment on the whole NIU shooting. I dont want to mention anything particular about the shooting itself, but I would like to touch on the subject of protesting the funerals.
Homophobia in this country is a disease and honestly people need to stop being part of the problem.
When you do things like protest the Manson concert, or protest funerals, I honestly don't understand how you people get the guts to do these kinds of things.

Blaming Manson on your kids problems is very irresponsible and immature.


I'm honestly sick of all this bullshit in this country.

--------


On another really good note. I met a girl this past week, we were at a party on Friday and we left, got some pizza and went to her place. I ended up staying at her place till 6am. It was a pretty interesting night.

She's a great girl with alot to offer. I just hope that I dont get her emotional tangled in me. So I've been honest with what I've wanted. I just want to take it easy with this for once and not get heavy into a relationship. Shes seemed to be cool about it, both of our past have been kinda rocky with relationships so this should be an interesting time for me.
I'm really confused as to what I really want, but I think the whole taking it slow thing is really needed for me, because right now isnt a very good time for me to be getting deep into stuff simply because I had a rough ride last semester. I almost lost my head, and I think something serious right now isnt anything good for my health at all.
Hopefully if I explain myself a couple more times I can get her to understand, I dont think it should be too big of a deal.

But Friday night was awesome. Enjoyed myself alot.

-Pete

Herbie, not Kanye

So Herbie Hancock won the award for the Best album of the Year. Basically really cool that he did because every other artist was R+B or hip hop, or rock. So for him to win its big news for a lot of people.

So congrats to Herbie. And Kanye West is a fuckin douch bag.



On another note. I'm actually really looking forward to this week. If I just stick with my usual routine then all will be good. And my horoscope told me its suppose to be good.
As long as I can stick with the gym, and keep up with my school stuff, then all will be cool.
The fact that I dont really like anyone really bums me out, but I guess thats just what happens.

I hope this week brings me some cheer.

night.

still awake.

I have to be up for class tomorrow and I'm still awake.
I dont know whats keeping me up... at this point I'm just confused.
I wish I had a better understanding of why I'm still running on full speed after an entire day of going insane.

I've also been pondering the whole girl thing, and I've come so far, yet I feel like I'm getting nowhere at all. This is torture.

I'm a good man, I deserve a little honest reward from time to time, and you might think I'm referring to pussy itself, but that is simply turning a body part into material, which is not satisfying.
I need a woman, even if its just for a 2 week period so I can learn from it, I wouldn't mind.

I really need to get to bed.
The weekend is almost here, and I'm ready for it.
-Pete

Love is blind.

Well.
This is the way it goes. The girl that I happen to like is seeing someone.
Totally saw this coming. I asked a friend of hers and he apparently had the same problem last semester.
So not that my cognition is justified, I guess I can be more easy about the situation.
For now I'll be on the down low.

I'm glad I at least have the balls to ask people and get the facts.

-Pete

Its feels good to be part of something.

Today was a great day.
Class in the morning was the same old stuff.
then went to the gym around 1pm. Got in a good workout.
Got my mom's package in the mail and I'm pretty happy about that.
Did a 4 hour recording session for a demo of my friends song, also my friend alayna was producing so it was her project.
Had pizza during the session, and I played well.

My goals got accomplished today, feels really great.

Haven't spoken to wonder woman since yesterday.

Now its midnight and I'm just exhausted.
So goodnight.

-Pete

Coffee will cure all that ails you...

Well. It happened - I asked her out for coffee. I know on here it might sound like a big deal, or like I'm just a little school boy, but this is a big deal for me.

She told me she didn't know how her schedule looked like, but I told her just to let me know whatever.
I'm not really sure how she feels about it, I'm simply going on vagueness, but this looks pretty positive.

Lets hope that things will seem more obvious. I dont like thinking about whether a girl likes me or not. I wish I had more blunt ways to tell.

Hope you all have yourself a good week. Mine started off just fine.

Goodnight.
-Pete

no signs... hopefully sometime soon.

No signs of wonder women for miles.
I'm still hopefull I will talk to her sometime this week, and hopefully I can show some of my sensitive side again.
I dont think that this is my ticket to happiness for my college career, I dont expect it that way, but I'm so long overdue it's painful.
I would like someone who understands me, and someone who I can get to know.
It sucks.

I hope I'm understood.

Writing in this blog has been really helpful. I come on here and I vent, because not that many are around to listen to my bullshit. I'm really happy with what I have, but I'm hoping for the things I haven't experienced yet. I would like to experience a solid relationship with a great girl, because I need to know what thats like to continue with my quest for a healthy relationship for my future. I dont want to be like my parents, dont want to be like my friends. I wanted to be myself. The best way to do that is to reinvent myself from experiences that had their pros and cons.

Blah.
Alright.
Goodnight.
Whoever reads this... thank you.
-Pete

New, and old.

Today was just a regular friday I guess.
I managed get some relaxation in this afternoon, so that was nice.
I have a session rehearsal tomorrow for some singer songwriter stuff that should be pretty fun to do.
I'm feeling pretty good about myself lately. Everything is falling into place. The only things that I want to get done are my 2 class make up finals and projects, and then I'll be happy to go on with the rest of my life.

I was talking to a friend today about Nicole and how I had the most amazing convo a few days ago. I was really impressed with myself in what I say to him when we got on the subject of women at my school. We talked about all the girls who are just looking for those "protective" men. I'm frequently a target of those kind of girls. I reject every one of them. I'm not here to replace your daddy. At least not completely.
I told Nick "I never want to think of my girlfriend as anything lesser then myself". I'm all about the equality in a relationship. So I see that potential before me and I'm worried I wont have enough time to act on it. I'm trying to take it all in naturally though, and hoping Nicole will come around and talk to me, or me talking to her first.
Anyways, no sign of her for miles today, except for when I ended up racing to class this morning I passed her on the stairs saying hello and smiling. She seemed frustrated by something and unable to react quick enough even though I heard a hello back.

On another note I quit drinking for the semester. I figured I would see how life would be on the sober side every week. Its been very positive so far. I hope it continues to be that way, fighting temptation can be a good test of my will. I need to prove myself on very personal level this semester so everything that I'm doing is great for me.
This medication made me feel like I'm traveling a million miles an hour this week, because my anxiety is down I'm just feeding my body more work, but this weekend I will be unwinding and kicking back.

I ran into Joe, my original and only Zen teacher, after a year of basically not seeing much of him. He greated me fairly warmly and invited me to his personal meditation group during the week, I was pretty delighted about that. I'll be getting a little more guidance and group meditation has always helped me with my practice. I'm pretty stoked, I really need this right now.

Alright, have a good weekend.
Cheers.

I'll have the usual...

So today was a pretty regular day. My Gen. Ed classes take up most of my daily schedule even though I should be focusing on music more, which is something I should be doing in my own time. Not to mention that I really just need to finish the stuff that needs to be done from last semester.

Last night I got some nice hints.
I might as well just spill it in here. I'm not ashamed.
Her name is Nicole, and she's pretty great from all that I know. I've had my eye on her for the last month or so and I really want to get to know her better for the sake of at least saying that I did, if anything better then that happens then I will be on cloud nine.

Last night I was in the lounge and I would look at her from time to time, I don't know if she noticed. She was at the other end of the room. We would exchange smiles everyone once in a while- about funny things happening around us, but besides that we didn't really say much to each-other.
I dont want to be pompous in that room, but honestly the immature nature of some of the others makes up for any of my pompous behavior.
The great thing was that I caught her staring at me from across the room while I was talking to someone else. I looked back toward her direction and she played off like she was aimlessly just looking around the room. At first I didnt think much about it, but then I realized it very much could mean that I'm on her mind.
So even though this makes me all warm and fuzzy inside, I have to still keep my distance somewhat. I just want more opportunities to chat with her.
This all feels very right, I dont know if I'm just going crazy because this girl is potential very much my type, or if I'm just thinking about it too much, but I really feel like she is possibly everything I've been preparing for, and if I show my true colors maybe I can win in the end.

Cheers...

back to square one.

I had a chat with my friend Brian last night. He calmed me down alot and I was very greatful to have that convo with him.

If you ever need help all you need to do is look around. Good things are always around the corner.

Anyways, its back to the drawing board for me. I'm just gonna go through my day and do the usual.
Ive got more important things to do then to think about girls anyways.

Peace,
-Pete

What is this all about?

I dont know what this is.
I'm seriously confused.
I've been wanting to cry for the last half hour and nothing is coming out.
I always show maybe too much of my bad side... this sucks. I was really hoping that she would find me more so attractive but I guess I'm just another douche bag that doesnt know that he's talking about.
I'm really passionate about my beliefs and it doesnt seem to matter when things like these happen. I should have just never opened my mouth.

This is girl is really great and she obviously has a vast knowledge about europe that I don't have. I really hope I can gain some of that knowledge.
It really impresses me though and thats what I've always wanted a girl who will challenge me , putting fire under my ass.
I really wish I wasn't so heart felt about these sorts of things. I wish I had more of a cleaner way of thinking.
Opening my mouth at the wrong times.


Yesterday was one of the best days Ive had in a while. I talked to her, and it was so nice. I want to talk to her more, I want her to see all the positives that I've been developing over these years.
I just want one great girl, I want another reason to keep my act clean. I know I'm here to do great things for myself, but why can't I just get a break every once in a while.
I'm long overdue. I know this. Even my mom knows this.
I need to make some progress, even if its just getting along really well with someone.

Oh man am I frustrated.
This is awful.


Good night.

Just be yourself.

Today was such a great day.
At first I might have not thought so but my lesson in the morning went really well. Jim is the man.
After my psychology class and after work - I was able to sit around for a bit and collect myself. I comtemplated going to the gym or not and I decided I should go to dinner first.
I decided to go to dinner at 5 o'clock to avoid the big rush of people.

While I was getting my food all set. I spotted the lovely lady getting food in a different line and I just played it cool. I didn't begin a convo with her, nor did I want to provoke anything.
I was getting some salad at the salad bar, and sure enough we both spotted eachother and she greated me very warmly, I returned the response.

I sat down, not thinking that I was going to sit alone, and to my surprise she walks up behind me around the table and says she'll join me, and sat across the table from me.
Man, what a cutie.
We talked about alot of different topics, which was very refreshing, and my heart was begging for mercy.

This girl is one of a kind, and our chat went really well, it filled me with a personal bliss for about an hour afterward.
Very good experience.

I finished by saying "it was a pleasure chatting with you", "don't be a stranger" or something to that effect, and we both left with smiles on our faces.

Best Dinner, ever. period.

Goodnight.

Part 4: Happiness

Part 4 is the last archetype I'm suppose to write about, and repeating the Nihilist and Happiness archetype periodically.

I don't think I've had moments of prolonged bliss in my life. The moments of bliss have often times associate them selfs with raw emotions that had to do with something or someone I was thinking about.

One of the first moments in that popped into my head recently just as I was thinking about this archetype and what I would write for it.
When I was on the plane flying home, after last year or maybe it was even after my first year of college. I dont really know exactly but I was on the plane, and I was listening to music on my iPod. My choice of beverage of the flight was coffee, with cream and suger, which is the way I always take it.
For some reason coffee reminded me of a crush that had circulated in my head for about a year or two, and up until recently I was basically crazy about this person. I thought about her while listening to Jeff Buckley's Grace album, and sipping my coffee coming back from a semester of hard work. My mind was at ease from having tried hard to complete the whole semester with a bang, and I was on my way to enjoy some time of relaxation, and seeing my friends again. For whatever time period this was for that moment on the plane when I was able to think about my crush while listening to that album, and drinking coffee and taking in all the aroma was the best. Although I dont really understand why I was so happy at the time period because things weren't as good as they are now. I no longer think about her, nor do I really want to associate myself with her. Its funny how life changes and change is always constant. My perception then is very much different then it is now, and I'm actually happy that I learned alot from those moments of sorrow, and happiness and the plethora of emotions that everyone goes through with relationship matters.
"Out of chaos comes order" was a quote by Nietzsche I think, but I'm not sure. Someone correct me if I'm wrong.
Cheers,
-Pete

Hair.

So its official. I guess.
I've decided to grow my hair back out, because I have nothing better to do. Saving myself on some haircuts and such.

Gonna go for the Tom Cruise look maybe.

Part 3: Nihilist

Alright so this is part 3. Writing about a time I was a Nihilist.

The only times I can really think of that spark when I think of Nihilism is during my down time over breaks between highschool grades, and sometimes maybe even short periods in college.

Those periods were times where I was basically not interested in much else but sitting around and useless tv shows during the day, and waiting for my friends to call me. I think this is short lived in my life but I would say I couldnt last a longer period of time doing so.

So thats it.

Lots of work tomorrow. My weekend wasnt very eventful but I sure did enjoy not drinking. It felt great.

Excersize Part 2: Hedonist

Hedonist: Someone who enjoys certain things but cannot find lasting fulfillment.

So I'm suppose to write about the time I felt like a hedonist, and so on.

I guess some of the times I felt like a Hedonist would be when I was working or the first couple of times I got better paychecks. I was able to buy things, live this material lifestyle, but I didnt really get much out of it, nor does it last very long. I guess I was happy financially, and since I'm young it doesnt really effect my overall standpoint.
I think right before I went off to college was one of those time periods. AND the summer after college. Doing my old job at the gunclub(trap&skeet) and basically being in this limbo state of mind.
Since this experiences I've invested into focusing more on school and being in school as a great things, rather then not being happy about it.
I know the being in one place for a long time isn't really my bag, and with the bullshit that our country is going through right now, I need to stick to people who have expanded their thinking caps, and will be leading this country in one way or another. I dont really mean politically, but ethically.

Excersise part 1: Rat-racer

So I'm reading this new book that I just picked up titled Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D.

In the book he instructed me to write about different personallity aspects of my life and how those things have effected me.
First one on the list is Rat-racer so here it goes...

Being a rat-racer has been a quality of mine for a while. I guess school is like the ultimate rat race, to get to success and by gaining success being happy.
Basically when I'm in school my life is a big rat-race, and even by the way I walk it shows.
After reading this I have taken a little bit of a step backward and taking notice of how this is my characteristic.
I've been stress ever since I started school in the Fall of 2005 and its been nothing but a rat-race with not to much of a reward. I have no girlfriend, I dont have time to get a ok job for some extra money on the side. I dont have time to write my own music and record it. It even led to the anxiety that I had last semester. Things are shaping up now that I'm on medication, but I think it came at the write time. And reading this book is opening me up to newer things I guess I should say.
I totally am greatful.
I need to stop living as much for the future and focus on the present in order to balence out present and future. As Tal says "living for the present and future".

Summery of my thoughts for today...

Just thought I would summarize my thoughts from today.

Today was a slow day. Didn't really feel like doing much. Got very little done. Had some Sushi and white rice for dinner which I'm really happy I had. I feel pretty good now.
Any day without cafeteria food is a great day in my book.
My overall health is improving.
I have a 9am class tomorrow so I'll be waking up fairly early dont know why I'm writing this.

I talked to a girl who lives in my building today, who I think is really really cute, and datable... it warmed up my day. Well at that time it wasnt really much of a day to warm up but its letting me get to bed with happy thoughts.
Lately all my dreams have been positive and happy. A sure sign that I'm getting better.

I really hope I can talk to this girl more often, it would be nice to have someone to cuddle up with every once in a while.

This blog was pretty week, but I leave you with the true summery of my thoughts, and that is....ラヴパピィ　ＵёｪёＵ

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Cute puppies...
Love it.

Back in Boston

Back in Boston after a number of weeks at home in rural Illinois.
It feels good to be back, I feel like I'm suppose to be here now, so it was good to come back.
I could use another week to get a hold of myself in Boston, but I dont think it makes much of a difference.
I just finished reading "Black Coffee Blues" by Henry Rollins which whom I've been admiring recently. The book was great, it made me feel slightly dreary while reading it, alot of intense life situations but I love the journal from being on the road.
One of my favorite quotes by him from the book is "Music is the reward for feeling like you've carried someone's luggage up five miles of stairs."
Absolutely excellent.
I went to work out today after taking about 3 months off. It felt great to get back in the gym, my lower back pain went away and it made me feel better, but sitting in this chair as comfy as it is doesn't.
One thing me and Henry share in common is the connection between healthy body and mind, and how they both work in harmony. People think that being fat is ok, but people dont realize how much this effects your mentality and if you mental strength is effected then its harder for you to go out and make good of this world. I wish people would see the big picture more often.
I keep looking down at myself and seeing the big picture, using my deep thought to come to conclusions and explore my feelings like never before. I feel healthy, because of this. At the same time I see how people are very unhealthy and fall into patterns among patterns. I hate that shit.
I just dont see myself doing the same damn thing ever saturday night, discussing the same lame ass topics. Its all bullshit.
I wish I had more mental strength right now to explain myself.
People that I've known for a long time have become somehow boring. I dont know. And people which I thought I knew I'm really just getting to know.
Even people who inspire you can be some of the most shallow people on the planet and it sucks ass. Some of my favorite people are the most shallow group of fuckers Ive ever met, or at least while I get to know them.
Society seems to inflict this negativity in peoples heads that everyone loves. They eat it for breakfast lunch and dinner and then they shit out their mouths. When they do that I feel alone in this world.
The shallow thoughts speak to me alot, so I dont really react right away when someone has a shallow opinion and it eventually turns me upside down. I really wish I could explain to someone how thats such a bad thing, but I think I can be seen as shallow also.
Shallowness seems like it leads to failure. And I've been really upset with some of the things people say because of that simple reason. You will fail. You need to look at your life and the things you want to do from a positive perspective.
I've become obsessed with maximizing my potential because I know its the only thing I need to do.
I recently got put on anti-depressants to ease my anxiety, and they have been helping- even though the doctor said its going to take 3-4 weeks for the meds to actually kick in.
I was pretty satisfied with my doctors visit, because usually I hate doctors, and he seemed nicer then any of them that I've had before. He was a good dude, he even told me to start working out again to burn off the adrenaline in my brian to ease my stress. It works, and things are looking positive.


In regards to my future. After I get out of school I'm probably gonna stick it out in Chicago for a year or two, if nothing positive happens then its on my way to New York or LA. Chicago can be a nice warm up. But after 1-2 years if nothing positive happens in the form of musical happenings then I'm saying fuck you and I'm leaving, don't care what anyone thinks or if anyone wants me around.

People can be as nice as they want, but when you interupt my focus on my dreams thats when I could careless about you. Thats also one of the reasons I kind of fear being in a relationship with someone at this point in time because things can be so subjective later. I could really use a nice girl and a nice relationship to smooth me over and I dont even care about sex, if thats what every lady out there gets hung up on. I'm a sexual being, but my temptations are things that will slow me down and in turn make me fail if I don't become self aware.

Girls don't believe you when you say you don't care about sex, or you don't need to get laid. Why should they believe you?
The girl of my dreams is the one that does believe me, but lets me get some here and there just because I've earned it.
Goodnight world.