oh man....

Me being sick before/during finals equals ... DEATH!!!

I didnt think it would be possible. I guess I'll just have to roll with the punches.

I'll see ya after I survive this week.
-Pete

coffee, and then some...

Alright, well I finally got a chance to go out with coffee with the girl I had been talking about.
It was a fun experience. Although I'm not sure if the friend card has been played or if I'm simply in the beginning stages of getting to know someone, I dont really know what to think. The experience was very positive, and I was pretty relaxed talking to her and getting to know her. She didnt really seem to send me any signals that she liked me, but who knows. I had a slight feeling that maybe she is still involved with her ex.

I told her it was fun and we should do it again, and I walked her to where she was headed, I told her that it was great talking to her and that hopefully I'll see her again soon.

I'm basically high right now from the experence, it had turn out really well, beside a few minor blips that I had felt like I had run out of things to say and my brain was scrambling for ideas. We talked about family and lots of different things, it was really nice. She's a really sweet girl, and I think I could put in the effort to be with someone this sweet if I just practiced more patience. I cant really expect much from this so once again I have been sort of let down. Its my own fault for having an expectation, but I'm really glad I was able to present myself in the ways that I had wanted. Calm, level headed, and with a sense of humor. I wish I wasnt on my medication so I could be a little more witty then I am now.
I do hope that I have more chances to get to know her and hopefully soemthing will progress, for now though I really cant have an expectation in order not to drive myself crazy.

Expectation is the key to failure.

-Pete

This is the twilight zone...

Well this week has taken and interesting turn for the better!
I'm having a hard time believing everything.
So Friday I guess my friend had told that girl that I like that I'm a good guy... she was told I had a crush on her earlier this week, really interesting outcome with this.
I really don't want to jinx myself but I saw her on the street waiting to load up all her stuff in the van for her bands show that night. She waved me down from far away and gave me a big hug and was happy to see me. She told her her situation that she was waiting to head out to the show.
I arrived with some friends at the show, pretty eager to see her but pretended like I didn't see her when I walked in. She walked up to me and greeted me warmly, told he she was glad I could come. I really didn't expect any of that from her.
She talked to me briefly with the loud band that was playing at the time, we couldnt really hear each other so not so good, but good that I was close to her.
I sat and watched the show for a little while, she came up to me out of the blue and introduced me to two of her good friends. It was pretty intense, I tryed to be a gentlemen and greet then as best I could with all the loud music. I couldnt really hear them well either way.
I was pretty shocked. She gave me alot of attention on friday so I'm asking her out tomorrow. I'm hoping to get some coffee with her or something soon.

I'm sticking to my story. I have alot of offer and I deserve this. I'm better than any of those douche bag MP&E guys.
This feels pretty good and even though I am questioning if this is the twilight zone, this feels pretty real and good to me.

I'm at the top of my game right now, and this can mean big things for me.
I'm keeping myself cool, if I can maintain this should all good down pretty smooth.

Keep it real.
-Pete

New, and old.

Today was just a regular friday I guess.
I managed get some relaxation in this afternoon, so that was nice.
I have a session rehearsal tomorrow for some singer songwriter stuff that should be pretty fun to do.
I'm feeling pretty good about myself lately. Everything is falling into place. The only things that I want to get done are my 2 class make up finals and projects, and then I'll be happy to go on with the rest of my life.

I was talking to a friend today about Nicole and how I had the most amazing convo a few days ago. I was really impressed with myself in what I say to him when we got on the subject of women at my school. We talked about all the girls who are just looking for those "protective" men. I'm frequently a target of those kind of girls. I reject every one of them. I'm not here to replace your daddy. At least not completely.
I told Nick "I never want to think of my girlfriend as anything lesser then myself". I'm all about the equality in a relationship. So I see that potential before me and I'm worried I wont have enough time to act on it. I'm trying to take it all in naturally though, and hoping Nicole will come around and talk to me, or me talking to her first.
Anyways, no sign of her for miles today, except for when I ended up racing to class this morning I passed her on the stairs saying hello and smiling. She seemed frustrated by something and unable to react quick enough even though I heard a hello back.

On another note I quit drinking for the semester. I figured I would see how life would be on the sober side every week. Its been very positive so far. I hope it continues to be that way, fighting temptation can be a good test of my will. I need to prove myself on very personal level this semester so everything that I'm doing is great for me.
This medication made me feel like I'm traveling a million miles an hour this week, because my anxiety is down I'm just feeding my body more work, but this weekend I will be unwinding and kicking back.

I ran into Joe, my original and only Zen teacher, after a year of basically not seeing much of him. He greated me fairly warmly and invited me to his personal meditation group during the week, I was pretty delighted about that. I'll be getting a little more guidance and group meditation has always helped me with my practice. I'm pretty stoked, I really need this right now.

Alright, have a good weekend.
Cheers.

Back in Boston

Back in Boston after a number of weeks at home in rural Illinois.
It feels good to be back, I feel like I'm suppose to be here now, so it was good to come back.
I could use another week to get a hold of myself in Boston, but I dont think it makes much of a difference.
I just finished reading "Black Coffee Blues" by Henry Rollins which whom I've been admiring recently. The book was great, it made me feel slightly dreary while reading it, alot of intense life situations but I love the journal from being on the road.
One of my favorite quotes by him from the book is "Music is the reward for feeling like you've carried someone's luggage up five miles of stairs."
Absolutely excellent.
I went to work out today after taking about 3 months off. It felt great to get back in the gym, my lower back pain went away and it made me feel better, but sitting in this chair as comfy as it is doesn't.
One thing me and Henry share in common is the connection between healthy body and mind, and how they both work in harmony. People think that being fat is ok, but people dont realize how much this effects your mentality and if you mental strength is effected then its harder for you to go out and make good of this world. I wish people would see the big picture more often.
I keep looking down at myself and seeing the big picture, using my deep thought to come to conclusions and explore my feelings like never before. I feel healthy, because of this. At the same time I see how people are very unhealthy and fall into patterns among patterns. I hate that shit.
I just dont see myself doing the same damn thing ever saturday night, discussing the same lame ass topics. Its all bullshit.
I wish I had more mental strength right now to explain myself.
People that I've known for a long time have become somehow boring. I dont know. And people which I thought I knew I'm really just getting to know.
Even people who inspire you can be some of the most shallow people on the planet and it sucks ass. Some of my favorite people are the most shallow group of fuckers Ive ever met, or at least while I get to know them.
Society seems to inflict this negativity in peoples heads that everyone loves. They eat it for breakfast lunch and dinner and then they shit out their mouths. When they do that I feel alone in this world.
The shallow thoughts speak to me alot, so I dont really react right away when someone has a shallow opinion and it eventually turns me upside down. I really wish I could explain to someone how thats such a bad thing, but I think I can be seen as shallow also.
Shallowness seems like it leads to failure. And I've been really upset with some of the things people say because of that simple reason. You will fail. You need to look at your life and the things you want to do from a positive perspective.
I've become obsessed with maximizing my potential because I know its the only thing I need to do.
I recently got put on anti-depressants to ease my anxiety, and they have been helping- even though the doctor said its going to take 3-4 weeks for the meds to actually kick in.
I was pretty satisfied with my doctors visit, because usually I hate doctors, and he seemed nicer then any of them that I've had before. He was a good dude, he even told me to start working out again to burn off the adrenaline in my brian to ease my stress. It works, and things are looking positive.


In regards to my future. After I get out of school I'm probably gonna stick it out in Chicago for a year or two, if nothing positive happens then its on my way to New York or LA. Chicago can be a nice warm up. But after 1-2 years if nothing positive happens in the form of musical happenings then I'm saying fuck you and I'm leaving, don't care what anyone thinks or if anyone wants me around.

People can be as nice as they want, but when you interupt my focus on my dreams thats when I could careless about you. Thats also one of the reasons I kind of fear being in a relationship with someone at this point in time because things can be so subjective later. I could really use a nice girl and a nice relationship to smooth me over and I dont even care about sex, if thats what every lady out there gets hung up on. I'm a sexual being, but my temptations are things that will slow me down and in turn make me fail if I don't become self aware.

Girls don't believe you when you say you don't care about sex, or you don't need to get laid. Why should they believe you?
The girl of my dreams is the one that does believe me, but lets me get some here and there just because I've earned it.
Goodnight world.