So today was a pretty regular day. My Gen. Ed classes take up most of my daily schedule even though I should be focusing on music more, which is something I should be doing in my own time. Not to mention that I really just need to finish the stuff that needs to be done from last semester.
Last night I got some nice hints.
I might as well just spill it in here. I'm not ashamed.
Her name is Nicole, and she's pretty great from all that I know. I've had my eye on her for the last month or so and I really want to get to know her better for the sake of at least saying that I did, if anything better then that happens then I will be on cloud nine.
Last night I was in the lounge and I would look at her from time to time, I don't know if she noticed. She was at the other end of the room. We would exchange smiles everyone once in a while- about funny things happening around us, but besides that we didn't really say much to each-other.
I dont want to be pompous in that room, but honestly the immature nature of some of the others makes up for any of my pompous behavior.
The great thing was that I caught her staring at me from across the room while I was talking to someone else. I looked back toward her direction and she played off like she was aimlessly just looking around the room. At first I didnt think much about it, but then I realized it very much could mean that I'm on her mind.
So even though this makes me all warm and fuzzy inside, I have to still keep my distance somewhat. I just want more opportunities to chat with her.
This all feels very right, I dont know if I'm just going crazy because this girl is potential very much my type, or if I'm just thinking about it too much, but I really feel like she is possibly everything I've been preparing for, and if I show my true colors maybe I can win in the end.
Cheers...
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
back to square one.
I had a chat with my friend Brian last night. He calmed me down alot and I was very greatful to have that convo with him.
If you ever need help all you need to do is look around. Good things are always around the corner.
Anyways, its back to the drawing board for me. I'm just gonna go through my day and do the usual.
Ive got more important things to do then to think about girls anyways.
Peace,
-Pete
If you ever need help all you need to do is look around. Good things are always around the corner.
Anyways, its back to the drawing board for me. I'm just gonna go through my day and do the usual.
Ive got more important things to do then to think about girls anyways.
Peace,
-Pete
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
What is this all about?
I dont know what this is.
I'm seriously confused.
I've been wanting to cry for the last half hour and nothing is coming out.
I always show maybe too much of my bad side... this sucks. I was really hoping that she would find me more so attractive but I guess I'm just another douche bag that doesnt know that he's talking about.
I'm really passionate about my beliefs and it doesnt seem to matter when things like these happen. I should have just never opened my mouth.
This is girl is really great and she obviously has a vast knowledge about europe that I don't have. I really hope I can gain some of that knowledge.
It really impresses me though and thats what I've always wanted a girl who will challenge me , putting fire under my ass.
I really wish I wasn't so heart felt about these sorts of things. I wish I had more of a cleaner way of thinking.
Opening my mouth at the wrong times.
Yesterday was one of the best days Ive had in a while. I talked to her, and it was so nice. I want to talk to her more, I want her to see all the positives that I've been developing over these years.
I just want one great girl, I want another reason to keep my act clean. I know I'm here to do great things for myself, but why can't I just get a break every once in a while.
I'm long overdue. I know this. Even my mom knows this.
I need to make some progress, even if its just getting along really well with someone.
Oh man am I frustrated.
This is awful.
Good night.
I'm seriously confused.
I've been wanting to cry for the last half hour and nothing is coming out.
I always show maybe too much of my bad side... this sucks. I was really hoping that she would find me more so attractive but I guess I'm just another douche bag that doesnt know that he's talking about.
I'm really passionate about my beliefs and it doesnt seem to matter when things like these happen. I should have just never opened my mouth.
This is girl is really great and she obviously has a vast knowledge about europe that I don't have. I really hope I can gain some of that knowledge.
It really impresses me though and thats what I've always wanted a girl who will challenge me , putting fire under my ass.
I really wish I wasn't so heart felt about these sorts of things. I wish I had more of a cleaner way of thinking.
Opening my mouth at the wrong times.
Yesterday was one of the best days Ive had in a while. I talked to her, and it was so nice. I want to talk to her more, I want her to see all the positives that I've been developing over these years.
I just want one great girl, I want another reason to keep my act clean. I know I'm here to do great things for myself, but why can't I just get a break every once in a while.
I'm long overdue. I know this. Even my mom knows this.
I need to make some progress, even if its just getting along really well with someone.
Oh man am I frustrated.
This is awful.
Good night.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Just be yourself.
Today was such a great day.
At first I might have not thought so but my lesson in the morning went really well. Jim is the man.
After my psychology class and after work - I was able to sit around for a bit and collect myself. I comtemplated going to the gym or not and I decided I should go to dinner first.
I decided to go to dinner at 5 o'clock to avoid the big rush of people.
While I was getting my food all set. I spotted the lovely lady getting food in a different line and I just played it cool. I didn't begin a convo with her, nor did I want to provoke anything.
I was getting some salad at the salad bar, and sure enough we both spotted eachother and she greated me very warmly, I returned the response.
I sat down, not thinking that I was going to sit alone, and to my surprise she walks up behind me around the table and says she'll join me, and sat across the table from me.
Man, what a cutie.
We talked about alot of different topics, which was very refreshing, and my heart was begging for mercy.
This girl is one of a kind, and our chat went really well, it filled me with a personal bliss for about an hour afterward.
Very good experience.
I finished by saying "it was a pleasure chatting with you", "don't be a stranger" or something to that effect, and we both left with smiles on our faces.
Best Dinner, ever. period.
Goodnight.
At first I might have not thought so but my lesson in the morning went really well. Jim is the man.
After my psychology class and after work - I was able to sit around for a bit and collect myself. I comtemplated going to the gym or not and I decided I should go to dinner first.
I decided to go to dinner at 5 o'clock to avoid the big rush of people.
While I was getting my food all set. I spotted the lovely lady getting food in a different line and I just played it cool. I didn't begin a convo with her, nor did I want to provoke anything.
I was getting some salad at the salad bar, and sure enough we both spotted eachother and she greated me very warmly, I returned the response.
I sat down, not thinking that I was going to sit alone, and to my surprise she walks up behind me around the table and says she'll join me, and sat across the table from me.
Man, what a cutie.
We talked about alot of different topics, which was very refreshing, and my heart was begging for mercy.
This girl is one of a kind, and our chat went really well, it filled me with a personal bliss for about an hour afterward.
Very good experience.
I finished by saying "it was a pleasure chatting with you", "don't be a stranger" or something to that effect, and we both left with smiles on our faces.
Best Dinner, ever. period.
Goodnight.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Part 4: Happiness
Part 4 is the last archetype I'm suppose to write about, and repeating the Nihilist and Happiness archetype periodically.
I don't think I've had moments of prolonged bliss in my life. The moments of bliss have often times associate them selfs with raw emotions that had to do with something or someone I was thinking about.
One of the first moments in that popped into my head recently just as I was thinking about this archetype and what I would write for it.
When I was on the plane flying home, after last year or maybe it was even after my first year of college. I dont really know exactly but I was on the plane, and I was listening to music on my iPod. My choice of beverage of the flight was coffee, with cream and suger, which is the way I always take it.
For some reason coffee reminded me of a crush that had circulated in my head for about a year or two, and up until recently I was basically crazy about this person. I thought about her while listening to Jeff Buckley's Grace album, and sipping my coffee coming back from a semester of hard work. My mind was at ease from having tried hard to complete the whole semester with a bang, and I was on my way to enjoy some time of relaxation, and seeing my friends again. For whatever time period this was for that moment on the plane when I was able to think about my crush while listening to that album, and drinking coffee and taking in all the aroma was the best. Although I dont really understand why I was so happy at the time period because things weren't as good as they are now. I no longer think about her, nor do I really want to associate myself with her. Its funny how life changes and change is always constant. My perception then is very much different then it is now, and I'm actually happy that I learned alot from those moments of sorrow, and happiness and the plethora of emotions that everyone goes through with relationship matters.
"Out of chaos comes order" was a quote by Nietzsche I think, but I'm not sure. Someone correct me if I'm wrong.
Cheers,
-Pete
I don't think I've had moments of prolonged bliss in my life. The moments of bliss have often times associate them selfs with raw emotions that had to do with something or someone I was thinking about.
One of the first moments in that popped into my head recently just as I was thinking about this archetype and what I would write for it.
When I was on the plane flying home, after last year or maybe it was even after my first year of college. I dont really know exactly but I was on the plane, and I was listening to music on my iPod. My choice of beverage of the flight was coffee, with cream and suger, which is the way I always take it.
For some reason coffee reminded me of a crush that had circulated in my head for about a year or two, and up until recently I was basically crazy about this person. I thought about her while listening to Jeff Buckley's Grace album, and sipping my coffee coming back from a semester of hard work. My mind was at ease from having tried hard to complete the whole semester with a bang, and I was on my way to enjoy some time of relaxation, and seeing my friends again. For whatever time period this was for that moment on the plane when I was able to think about my crush while listening to that album, and drinking coffee and taking in all the aroma was the best. Although I dont really understand why I was so happy at the time period because things weren't as good as they are now. I no longer think about her, nor do I really want to associate myself with her. Its funny how life changes and change is always constant. My perception then is very much different then it is now, and I'm actually happy that I learned alot from those moments of sorrow, and happiness and the plethora of emotions that everyone goes through with relationship matters.
"Out of chaos comes order" was a quote by Nietzsche I think, but I'm not sure. Someone correct me if I'm wrong.
Cheers,
-Pete
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Hair.
So its official. I guess.
I've decided to grow my hair back out, because I have nothing better to do. Saving myself on some haircuts and such.
Gonna go for the Tom Cruise look maybe.
I've decided to grow my hair back out, because I have nothing better to do. Saving myself on some haircuts and such.
Gonna go for the Tom Cruise look maybe.
Part 3: Nihilist
Alright so this is part 3. Writing about a time I was a Nihilist.
The only times I can really think of that spark when I think of Nihilism is during my down time over breaks between highschool grades, and sometimes maybe even short periods in college.
Those periods were times where I was basically not interested in much else but sitting around and useless tv shows during the day, and waiting for my friends to call me. I think this is short lived in my life but I would say I couldnt last a longer period of time doing so.
So thats it.
Lots of work tomorrow. My weekend wasnt very eventful but I sure did enjoy not drinking. It felt great.
The only times I can really think of that spark when I think of Nihilism is during my down time over breaks between highschool grades, and sometimes maybe even short periods in college.
Those periods were times where I was basically not interested in much else but sitting around and useless tv shows during the day, and waiting for my friends to call me. I think this is short lived in my life but I would say I couldnt last a longer period of time doing so.
So thats it.
Lots of work tomorrow. My weekend wasnt very eventful but I sure did enjoy not drinking. It felt great.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Excersize Part 2: Hedonist
Hedonist: Someone who enjoys certain things but cannot find lasting fulfillment.
So I'm suppose to write about the time I felt like a hedonist, and so on.
I guess some of the times I felt like a Hedonist would be when I was working or the first couple of times I got better paychecks. I was able to buy things, live this material lifestyle, but I didnt really get much out of it, nor does it last very long. I guess I was happy financially, and since I'm young it doesnt really effect my overall standpoint.
I think right before I went off to college was one of those time periods. AND the summer after college. Doing my old job at the gunclub(trap&skeet) and basically being in this limbo state of mind.
Since this experiences I've invested into focusing more on school and being in school as a great things, rather then not being happy about it.
I know the being in one place for a long time isn't really my bag, and with the bullshit that our country is going through right now, I need to stick to people who have expanded their thinking caps, and will be leading this country in one way or another. I dont really mean politically, but ethically.
So I'm suppose to write about the time I felt like a hedonist, and so on.
I guess some of the times I felt like a Hedonist would be when I was working or the first couple of times I got better paychecks. I was able to buy things, live this material lifestyle, but I didnt really get much out of it, nor does it last very long. I guess I was happy financially, and since I'm young it doesnt really effect my overall standpoint.
I think right before I went off to college was one of those time periods. AND the summer after college. Doing my old job at the gunclub(trap&skeet) and basically being in this limbo state of mind.
Since this experiences I've invested into focusing more on school and being in school as a great things, rather then not being happy about it.
I know the being in one place for a long time isn't really my bag, and with the bullshit that our country is going through right now, I need to stick to people who have expanded their thinking caps, and will be leading this country in one way or another. I dont really mean politically, but ethically.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Excersise part 1: Rat-racer
So I'm reading this new book that I just picked up titled Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D.
In the book he instructed me to write about different personallity aspects of my life and how those things have effected me.
First one on the list is Rat-racer so here it goes...
Being a rat-racer has been a quality of mine for a while. I guess school is like the ultimate rat race, to get to success and by gaining success being happy.
Basically when I'm in school my life is a big rat-race, and even by the way I walk it shows.
After reading this I have taken a little bit of a step backward and taking notice of how this is my characteristic.
I've been stress ever since I started school in the Fall of 2005 and its been nothing but a rat-race with not to much of a reward. I have no girlfriend, I dont have time to get a ok job for some extra money on the side. I dont have time to write my own music and record it. It even led to the anxiety that I had last semester. Things are shaping up now that I'm on medication, but I think it came at the write time. And reading this book is opening me up to newer things I guess I should say.
I totally am greatful.
I need to stop living as much for the future and focus on the present in order to balence out present and future. As Tal says "living for the present and future".
In the book he instructed me to write about different personallity aspects of my life and how those things have effected me.
First one on the list is Rat-racer so here it goes...
Being a rat-racer has been a quality of mine for a while. I guess school is like the ultimate rat race, to get to success and by gaining success being happy.
Basically when I'm in school my life is a big rat-race, and even by the way I walk it shows.
After reading this I have taken a little bit of a step backward and taking notice of how this is my characteristic.
I've been stress ever since I started school in the Fall of 2005 and its been nothing but a rat-race with not to much of a reward. I have no girlfriend, I dont have time to get a ok job for some extra money on the side. I dont have time to write my own music and record it. It even led to the anxiety that I had last semester. Things are shaping up now that I'm on medication, but I think it came at the write time. And reading this book is opening me up to newer things I guess I should say.
I totally am greatful.
I need to stop living as much for the future and focus on the present in order to balence out present and future. As Tal says "living for the present and future".
Monday, January 21, 2008
Summery of my thoughts for today...
Just thought I would summarize my thoughts from today.
Today was a slow day. Didn't really feel like doing much. Got very little done. Had some Sushi and white rice for dinner which I'm really happy I had. I feel pretty good now.
Any day without cafeteria food is a great day in my book.
My overall health is improving.
I have a 9am class tomorrow so I'll be waking up fairly early dont know why I'm writing this.
I talked to a girl who lives in my building today, who I think is really really cute, and datable... it warmed up my day. Well at that time it wasnt really much of a day to warm up but its letting me get to bed with happy thoughts.
Lately all my dreams have been positive and happy. A sure sign that I'm getting better.
I really hope I can talk to this girl more often, it would be nice to have someone to cuddle up with every once in a while.
This blog was pretty week, but I leave you with the true summery of my thoughts, and that is....ラヴパピィ ＵёｪёＵ
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Cute puppies...
Love it.
Today was a slow day. Didn't really feel like doing much. Got very little done. Had some Sushi and white rice for dinner which I'm really happy I had. I feel pretty good now.
Any day without cafeteria food is a great day in my book.
My overall health is improving.
I have a 9am class tomorrow so I'll be waking up fairly early dont know why I'm writing this.
I talked to a girl who lives in my building today, who I think is really really cute, and datable... it warmed up my day. Well at that time it wasnt really much of a day to warm up but its letting me get to bed with happy thoughts.
Lately all my dreams have been positive and happy. A sure sign that I'm getting better.
I really hope I can talk to this girl more often, it would be nice to have someone to cuddle up with every once in a while.
This blog was pretty week, but I leave you with the true summery of my thoughts, and that is....ラヴパピィ ＵёｪёＵ
Add to My Profile | More Videos
Cute puppies...
Love it.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Back in Boston
Back in Boston after a number of weeks at home in rural Illinois.
It feels good to be back, I feel like I'm suppose to be here now, so it was good to come back.
I could use another week to get a hold of myself in Boston, but I dont think it makes much of a difference.
I just finished reading "Black Coffee Blues" by Henry Rollins which whom I've been admiring recently. The book was great, it made me feel slightly dreary while reading it, alot of intense life situations but I love the journal from being on the road.
One of my favorite quotes by him from the book is "Music is the reward for feeling like you've carried someone's luggage up five miles of stairs."
Absolutely excellent.
I went to work out today after taking about 3 months off. It felt great to get back in the gym, my lower back pain went away and it made me feel better, but sitting in this chair as comfy as it is doesn't.
One thing me and Henry share in common is the connection between healthy body and mind, and how they both work in harmony. People think that being fat is ok, but people dont realize how much this effects your mentality and if you mental strength is effected then its harder for you to go out and make good of this world. I wish people would see the big picture more often.
I keep looking down at myself and seeing the big picture, using my deep thought to come to conclusions and explore my feelings like never before. I feel healthy, because of this. At the same time I see how people are very unhealthy and fall into patterns among patterns. I hate that shit.
I just dont see myself doing the same damn thing ever saturday night, discussing the same lame ass topics. Its all bullshit.
I wish I had more mental strength right now to explain myself.
People that I've known for a long time have become somehow boring. I dont know. And people which I thought I knew I'm really just getting to know.
Even people who inspire you can be some of the most shallow people on the planet and it sucks ass. Some of my favorite people are the most shallow group of fuckers Ive ever met, or at least while I get to know them.
Society seems to inflict this negativity in peoples heads that everyone loves. They eat it for breakfast lunch and dinner and then they shit out their mouths. When they do that I feel alone in this world.
The shallow thoughts speak to me alot, so I dont really react right away when someone has a shallow opinion and it eventually turns me upside down. I really wish I could explain to someone how thats such a bad thing, but I think I can be seen as shallow also.
Shallowness seems like it leads to failure. And I've been really upset with some of the things people say because of that simple reason. You will fail. You need to look at your life and the things you want to do from a positive perspective.
I've become obsessed with maximizing my potential because I know its the only thing I need to do.
I recently got put on anti-depressants to ease my anxiety, and they have been helping- even though the doctor said its going to take 3-4 weeks for the meds to actually kick in.
I was pretty satisfied with my doctors visit, because usually I hate doctors, and he seemed nicer then any of them that I've had before. He was a good dude, he even told me to start working out again to burn off the adrenaline in my brian to ease my stress. It works, and things are looking positive.
In regards to my future. After I get out of school I'm probably gonna stick it out in Chicago for a year or two, if nothing positive happens then its on my way to New York or LA. Chicago can be a nice warm up. But after 1-2 years if nothing positive happens in the form of musical happenings then I'm saying fuck you and I'm leaving, don't care what anyone thinks or if anyone wants me around.
People can be as nice as they want, but when you interupt my focus on my dreams thats when I could careless about you. Thats also one of the reasons I kind of fear being in a relationship with someone at this point in time because things can be so subjective later. I could really use a nice girl and a nice relationship to smooth me over and I dont even care about sex, if thats what every lady out there gets hung up on. I'm a sexual being, but my temptations are things that will slow me down and in turn make me fail if I don't become self aware.
Girls don't believe you when you say you don't care about sex, or you don't need to get laid. Why should they believe you?
The girl of my dreams is the one that does believe me, but lets me get some here and there just because I've earned it.
Goodnight world.
It feels good to be back, I feel like I'm suppose to be here now, so it was good to come back.
I could use another week to get a hold of myself in Boston, but I dont think it makes much of a difference.
I just finished reading "Black Coffee Blues" by Henry Rollins which whom I've been admiring recently. The book was great, it made me feel slightly dreary while reading it, alot of intense life situations but I love the journal from being on the road.
One of my favorite quotes by him from the book is "Music is the reward for feeling like you've carried someone's luggage up five miles of stairs."
Absolutely excellent.
I went to work out today after taking about 3 months off. It felt great to get back in the gym, my lower back pain went away and it made me feel better, but sitting in this chair as comfy as it is doesn't.
One thing me and Henry share in common is the connection between healthy body and mind, and how they both work in harmony. People think that being fat is ok, but people dont realize how much this effects your mentality and if you mental strength is effected then its harder for you to go out and make good of this world. I wish people would see the big picture more often.
I keep looking down at myself and seeing the big picture, using my deep thought to come to conclusions and explore my feelings like never before. I feel healthy, because of this. At the same time I see how people are very unhealthy and fall into patterns among patterns. I hate that shit.
I just dont see myself doing the same damn thing ever saturday night, discussing the same lame ass topics. Its all bullshit.
I wish I had more mental strength right now to explain myself.
People that I've known for a long time have become somehow boring. I dont know. And people which I thought I knew I'm really just getting to know.
Even people who inspire you can be some of the most shallow people on the planet and it sucks ass. Some of my favorite people are the most shallow group of fuckers Ive ever met, or at least while I get to know them.
Society seems to inflict this negativity in peoples heads that everyone loves. They eat it for breakfast lunch and dinner and then they shit out their mouths. When they do that I feel alone in this world.
The shallow thoughts speak to me alot, so I dont really react right away when someone has a shallow opinion and it eventually turns me upside down. I really wish I could explain to someone how thats such a bad thing, but I think I can be seen as shallow also.
Shallowness seems like it leads to failure. And I've been really upset with some of the things people say because of that simple reason. You will fail. You need to look at your life and the things you want to do from a positive perspective.
I've become obsessed with maximizing my potential because I know its the only thing I need to do.
I recently got put on anti-depressants to ease my anxiety, and they have been helping- even though the doctor said its going to take 3-4 weeks for the meds to actually kick in.
I was pretty satisfied with my doctors visit, because usually I hate doctors, and he seemed nicer then any of them that I've had before. He was a good dude, he even told me to start working out again to burn off the adrenaline in my brian to ease my stress. It works, and things are looking positive.
In regards to my future. After I get out of school I'm probably gonna stick it out in Chicago for a year or two, if nothing positive happens then its on my way to New York or LA. Chicago can be a nice warm up. But after 1-2 years if nothing positive happens in the form of musical happenings then I'm saying fuck you and I'm leaving, don't care what anyone thinks or if anyone wants me around.
People can be as nice as they want, but when you interupt my focus on my dreams thats when I could careless about you. Thats also one of the reasons I kind of fear being in a relationship with someone at this point in time because things can be so subjective later. I could really use a nice girl and a nice relationship to smooth me over and I dont even care about sex, if thats what every lady out there gets hung up on. I'm a sexual being, but my temptations are things that will slow me down and in turn make me fail if I don't become self aware.
Girls don't believe you when you say you don't care about sex, or you don't need to get laid. Why should they believe you?
The girl of my dreams is the one that does believe me, but lets me get some here and there just because I've earned it.
Goodnight world.
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