Part 4: Happiness

Part 4 is the last archetype I'm suppose to write about, and repeating the Nihilist and Happiness archetype periodically.

I don't think I've had moments of prolonged bliss in my life. The moments of bliss have often times associate them selfs with raw emotions that had to do with something or someone I was thinking about.

One of the first moments in that popped into my head recently just as I was thinking about this archetype and what I would write for it.
When I was on the plane flying home, after last year or maybe it was even after my first year of college. I dont really know exactly but I was on the plane, and I was listening to music on my iPod. My choice of beverage of the flight was coffee, with cream and suger, which is the way I always take it.
For some reason coffee reminded me of a crush that had circulated in my head for about a year or two, and up until recently I was basically crazy about this person. I thought about her while listening to Jeff Buckley's Grace album, and sipping my coffee coming back from a semester of hard work. My mind was at ease from having tried hard to complete the whole semester with a bang, and I was on my way to enjoy some time of relaxation, and seeing my friends again. For whatever time period this was for that moment on the plane when I was able to think about my crush while listening to that album, and drinking coffee and taking in all the aroma was the best. Although I dont really understand why I was so happy at the time period because things weren't as good as they are now. I no longer think about her, nor do I really want to associate myself with her. Its funny how life changes and change is always constant. My perception then is very much different then it is now, and I'm actually happy that I learned alot from those moments of sorrow, and happiness and the plethora of emotions that everyone goes through with relationship matters.
"Out of chaos comes order" was a quote by Nietzsche I think, but I'm not sure. Someone correct me if I'm wrong.
Cheers,
-Pete

Hair.

So its official. I guess.
I've decided to grow my hair back out, because I have nothing better to do. Saving myself on some haircuts and such.

Gonna go for the Tom Cruise look maybe.

Part 3: Nihilist

Alright so this is part 3. Writing about a time I was a Nihilist.

The only times I can really think of that spark when I think of Nihilism is during my down time over breaks between highschool grades, and sometimes maybe even short periods in college.

Those periods were times where I was basically not interested in much else but sitting around and useless tv shows during the day, and waiting for my friends to call me. I think this is short lived in my life but I would say I couldnt last a longer period of time doing so.

So thats it.

Lots of work tomorrow. My weekend wasnt very eventful but I sure did enjoy not drinking. It felt great.

Excersize Part 2: Hedonist

Hedonist: Someone who enjoys certain things but cannot find lasting fulfillment.

So I'm suppose to write about the time I felt like a hedonist, and so on.

I guess some of the times I felt like a Hedonist would be when I was working or the first couple of times I got better paychecks. I was able to buy things, live this material lifestyle, but I didnt really get much out of it, nor does it last very long. I guess I was happy financially, and since I'm young it doesnt really effect my overall standpoint.
I think right before I went off to college was one of those time periods. AND the summer after college. Doing my old job at the gunclub(trap&skeet) and basically being in this limbo state of mind.
Since this experiences I've invested into focusing more on school and being in school as a great things, rather then not being happy about it.
I know the being in one place for a long time isn't really my bag, and with the bullshit that our country is going through right now, I need to stick to people who have expanded their thinking caps, and will be leading this country in one way or another. I dont really mean politically, but ethically.

Excersise part 1: Rat-racer

So I'm reading this new book that I just picked up titled Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D.

In the book he instructed me to write about different personallity aspects of my life and how those things have effected me.
First one on the list is Rat-racer so here it goes...

Being a rat-racer has been a quality of mine for a while. I guess school is like the ultimate rat race, to get to success and by gaining success being happy.
Basically when I'm in school my life is a big rat-race, and even by the way I walk it shows.
After reading this I have taken a little bit of a step backward and taking notice of how this is my characteristic.
I've been stress ever since I started school in the Fall of 2005 and its been nothing but a rat-race with not to much of a reward. I have no girlfriend, I dont have time to get a ok job for some extra money on the side. I dont have time to write my own music and record it. It even led to the anxiety that I had last semester. Things are shaping up now that I'm on medication, but I think it came at the write time. And reading this book is opening me up to newer things I guess I should say.
I totally am greatful.
I need to stop living as much for the future and focus on the present in order to balence out present and future. As Tal says "living for the present and future".

Summery of my thoughts for today...

Just thought I would summarize my thoughts from today.

Today was a slow day. Didn't really feel like doing much. Got very little done. Had some Sushi and white rice for dinner which I'm really happy I had. I feel pretty good now.
Any day without cafeteria food is a great day in my book.
My overall health is improving.
I have a 9am class tomorrow so I'll be waking up fairly early dont know why I'm writing this.

I talked to a girl who lives in my building today, who I think is really really cute, and datable... it warmed up my day. Well at that time it wasnt really much of a day to warm up but its letting me get to bed with happy thoughts.
Lately all my dreams have been positive and happy. A sure sign that I'm getting better.

I really hope I can talk to this girl more often, it would be nice to have someone to cuddle up with every once in a while.

This blog was pretty week, but I leave you with the true summery of my thoughts, and that is....ラヴパピィ　ＵёｪёＵ

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Cute puppies...
Love it.

Back in Boston

Back in Boston after a number of weeks at home in rural Illinois.
It feels good to be back, I feel like I'm suppose to be here now, so it was good to come back.
I could use another week to get a hold of myself in Boston, but I dont think it makes much of a difference.
I just finished reading "Black Coffee Blues" by Henry Rollins which whom I've been admiring recently. The book was great, it made me feel slightly dreary while reading it, alot of intense life situations but I love the journal from being on the road.
One of my favorite quotes by him from the book is "Music is the reward for feeling like you've carried someone's luggage up five miles of stairs."
Absolutely excellent.
I went to work out today after taking about 3 months off. It felt great to get back in the gym, my lower back pain went away and it made me feel better, but sitting in this chair as comfy as it is doesn't.
One thing me and Henry share in common is the connection between healthy body and mind, and how they both work in harmony. People think that being fat is ok, but people dont realize how much this effects your mentality and if you mental strength is effected then its harder for you to go out and make good of this world. I wish people would see the big picture more often.
I keep looking down at myself and seeing the big picture, using my deep thought to come to conclusions and explore my feelings like never before. I feel healthy, because of this. At the same time I see how people are very unhealthy and fall into patterns among patterns. I hate that shit.
I just dont see myself doing the same damn thing ever saturday night, discussing the same lame ass topics. Its all bullshit.
I wish I had more mental strength right now to explain myself.
People that I've known for a long time have become somehow boring. I dont know. And people which I thought I knew I'm really just getting to know.
Even people who inspire you can be some of the most shallow people on the planet and it sucks ass. Some of my favorite people are the most shallow group of fuckers Ive ever met, or at least while I get to know them.
Society seems to inflict this negativity in peoples heads that everyone loves. They eat it for breakfast lunch and dinner and then they shit out their mouths. When they do that I feel alone in this world.
The shallow thoughts speak to me alot, so I dont really react right away when someone has a shallow opinion and it eventually turns me upside down. I really wish I could explain to someone how thats such a bad thing, but I think I can be seen as shallow also.
Shallowness seems like it leads to failure. And I've been really upset with some of the things people say because of that simple reason. You will fail. You need to look at your life and the things you want to do from a positive perspective.
I've become obsessed with maximizing my potential because I know its the only thing I need to do.
I recently got put on anti-depressants to ease my anxiety, and they have been helping- even though the doctor said its going to take 3-4 weeks for the meds to actually kick in.
I was pretty satisfied with my doctors visit, because usually I hate doctors, and he seemed nicer then any of them that I've had before. He was a good dude, he even told me to start working out again to burn off the adrenaline in my brian to ease my stress. It works, and things are looking positive.


In regards to my future. After I get out of school I'm probably gonna stick it out in Chicago for a year or two, if nothing positive happens then its on my way to New York or LA. Chicago can be a nice warm up. But after 1-2 years if nothing positive happens in the form of musical happenings then I'm saying fuck you and I'm leaving, don't care what anyone thinks or if anyone wants me around.

People can be as nice as they want, but when you interupt my focus on my dreams thats when I could careless about you. Thats also one of the reasons I kind of fear being in a relationship with someone at this point in time because things can be so subjective later. I could really use a nice girl and a nice relationship to smooth me over and I dont even care about sex, if thats what every lady out there gets hung up on. I'm a sexual being, but my temptations are things that will slow me down and in turn make me fail if I don't become self aware.

Girls don't believe you when you say you don't care about sex, or you don't need to get laid. Why should they believe you?
The girl of my dreams is the one that does believe me, but lets me get some here and there just because I've earned it.
Goodnight world.